Hey Bean, It's your Dad,
I am having one of those moments I really wish I were a different person. Well, more like I wish I was just different. You are currently on your way to be inducted into the National Technical Honor Society, and I am here at home taking meds to calm down because unfortunately I have been a bit stressed out over some things lately and my nerves are at a point where I am super close to snapping. It sucks because when I am like this it's like trying to stop by wrapping it in yarn. Yet, that's what I have to do because if I let go of all the angst and rage inside that are building up because of all the pain I feel from all the events that are beyond my control I become destructive and mindless of who I hurt.
I wish I could be there right now. I wish I could watch you accept your award, I wish I could show you how proud of you I am. However, recent events have me at a point I know that I am simply not safe around people. I can barely control my temper right now because there is so much going on that I need to resolve but I can't because too much of my life is beyond my control. Some of that is my fault, some of it isn't. It doesn't really matter who is at fault and who isn't and the why though, what matters is that I know myself well enough to know when I am fit to be around other people and when I am not. Right now I really just am not.
I hate being this way. I hate knowing just how dangerous I can be. I hate knowing how easily I can go from appearing calm to raging like a bull. I hate not being able to trust myself. People like me are not really meant to be around other people. It sucks because I really like other people, but my best use would have been dying in battle long ago. I am someone who is designed to compete and that's all I really know. I don't' talk about my desire to compete often, and I do my best not to show you how insanely competitive I can be. That's why I like games that don't pit me against other people, why I like games that focus on working together instead of trying to beat each other. It keeps the competitive drive from kicking in. It allows me to focus on making the team as a whole better, helping everyone achieve.
Helping other people achieve is something I take a lot of pride in. I take pride in it because for me to set my needs aside and focus instead on someone else is me controlling my own impulses. In a way, it is the way I compete against myself. It does help that I am good at it, but it doesn't change the fact that deep inside I want to squash most people because they are wasting oxygen better spent on other things. I don't always feel that way, only when I allow my competitive drive to overtake me. While I hate being like this, I am thankful I am aware enough of who I am and how I react to things to be able to know when I should and shouldn't deal with other people.
When I say "other people" I don't mean you or your sisters. While I know I yell and can storm around a bit when I am upset, I am pretty sure you all know I won't ever hurt you. I will break glasses and yell and act like a maniac, but I won't physically harm you. However, that doesn't mean I am off the hook. I have had a problem with yelling most of your life. I know why I do it, I know what sets off those bad times for me, and I do my best to manage them, but to be honest the hardest part of it all is that people don't seem to realize I am simply not a normal person.
I know it may be hard to understand given that you see me do things with other people all the time, but what you don't see is just how much being around other people stresses me out. While I love being around them, there is always a point where someone begins to irritate me. Normally it's because they did something better than me, or think they are smarter than me (and sometimes they are) and this strange thing begins to happen where I start focusing on them more and more. I fantasize about beating them into a coma or doing something else that shows them I am a threat to their existence. I want them to know that while yes, they might be able to beat me at a board game or might be smarter than me, I am willing to take things to a level they aren't and for that reason, they need to accept my supremacy. It's horrible to hate someone as strong as I hate that person because then it begins to consume me, it's all I can think about.
I don't know if it is because of some gene that makes me like this or if it is adapted behavior I learned to survive a rather fucked up life. What I do know is that it makes me dangerous to other people and that I am capable of very real and very substantial harm if I let that monster go. That's why I don't always go to events like your induction ceremony. It's not because I don't love you. It's not because I am not supremely proud of you, it's not because I don't care. It's because I want that experience to be as magical as possible and while I know me not being there dampens it, I also know that the chances of me ruining it are great enough I am better off staying at home.
I have done my best to show up to the ones I can, and I am so very thankful Mommy seems to enjoy going to those kinds of things. I know that me saying I am proud of you is faint comfort when I am not there, and this blog post probably is me whining too much, but I had to say something because today is a very special thing. It's the day my daughter achieves something I never dreamt of achieving myself. You are about to be inducted into a select group of people. Sure, there are a lot of National Technical Honor Society members, but when it comes to the percentage of the population you are a rare person.
Congratulations kid, you achieved something pretty remarkable despite your challenges and with the fact you have to put up with a crazy dad. I love you so much and I really hope you don't ever think I am not proud of you.
