Hey Bean, It's your Dad.
It's been a bit since I wrote, but I kind of feel a need to reach out right now, and for me that means taking time to focus on what I want to say, how I feel, and express it. I like the process of writing, for me, it's a form of meditation and mindfulness. It allows me to examine and think through complex feelings. I never quite know what I will find when I begin writing for this reason because I simply just allow my mind to flow and wander. I know at times it may make this all a bit disjointed, but that's also a mirror into my mind as well.
I have always wanted to have a thing that you and I do together. I've tried various ways over various times to make this happen and it's never really worked out. Sometimes it's because of a lack of interest on your part, sometimes it's because I lose focus, sometimes it's life getting in the way, but that doesn't mean I don't want to have that thing with you, I just think we have to work to find it. In the past I kept making the mistake of choosing it for both of us, I would get you all excited by the idea, and then my follow-through would suck. As you grew older you showed less interest in some of the things I wanted to do and you also developed your own interests. As time went on I tried less often with less effort because I had failed so often before and you three reminded me of that fact. However, I don't want to give up on that... I really do think you and I can find an activity that we both enjoy, and that we both can commit to. I was hoping Minecraft would be that thing, but over time it's become apparent that your interest in Minecraft has waned and I understand why. After all you have put a lot of time into that game, you have done all you can do with it, and while you still enjoy playing on occasion, other interests take up your time. I still enjoy Minecraft but I am afraid my interests differ from yours in regards to how to play. I want to build a world with a story, I want to talk about the story, work to make the world what I envision, that kind of thing... but I don't know if that is what you want.
So I want to try something that I haven't done before. I would like it if you gave some thought on a few activities we could do together. I don't want you to worry to much about if I would like them or not, I really just want you to think about what you might enjoy doing with your Dad. Once you have given it some thought, I want you to make a few suggestions about what you thought of, and we can discuss them. I'm happy to do this through writing between our blogs, in text on Facebook, or a phone call. I will leave how we discuss this up to you.
I love you Bean, I would really like to find an activity we can do together, I hope you want that as well.
Hope to hear from you soon one way or another.
Love,
Your Dad
Sunday, May 24, 2020
Monday, April 6, 2020
Being a Good Guest
Hey Bean, it's your Dad,
I have written each of your sisters a blog, in fact, have written Jade two, so I figured I should write one for you today. I had hoped that this would be a good way for me to continue reaching out to you as you ventured out into adulthood, but I kind of let things go a bit. That's okay, I don't feel like I need to publish a post on any particular schedule, but right now with all that is going on, I feel like communicating with my children is a good thing.
Right now the world is in an interesting place. A lot of things are changing, we are having to adapt to a new reality. None of us know for sure when this will end, and there is even less certainty about what the future will look like. All of us are having to make sacrifices, and sometimes those sacrifices are easy, but sometimes they are very difficult. You have been fortunate in that regard in some ways, in others you have been asked to make sacrifices that no one should have to be. On one hand, you have never really had to worry about basic necessities like food. Sure, there were tough times here and there, but overall your life hasn't been as bad as some. However, you did have to deal with the reality of a brain tumor and to this day that still affects you. I wish I could fix that, I can't, but I wish I could.
However, while you have reasons to feel challenged in life, you have a lot that you can be grateful for. I don't know if I know many other 19-year-olds that have been able to visit three foreign countries, have been able to attend a private university, have had a parent available to them pretty much 24/7 their entire lives, as well as other things. While you did get handed a bit of a bucket of crap in regards to the brain tumor, it's hard to say your life hasn't been better than average. I am proud to have been able to help give you the good things you enjoy, I am proud of who you have become. However, I think I need to take a moment to remind you of a few things.
The other day when we were on the video call I couldn't help but notice you were acting a bit entitled. You seemed to be taking some joy in the fact that Mossy is allowed to be at your Grandparents house while Jasmine is being denied her own cat. It also felt a bit like you felt like your place with your Grandparents put you in a superior position to your sisters. It almost felt like you thought of yourself as being "at home" while your sisters are mere "guests". I will say that I found that a bit troubling.
I know that you have enjoyed being on your own. I know that you are an adult and that I can't control your choices and actions. However, that doesn't mean you are not still a member of this family and that you no longer have any responsibility to it. While yes, being an adult means you have a greater amount of choice in your life, it also means that you are expected to be more responsive to those around you. As a kid people make sacrifices for you, as an adult, you start making sacrifices for other people. I know you feel you have made your share of sacrifices already. I know you feel like you had to be responsible for everyone the last few years, and being able to get out of the house and away from all that was a breath of fresh air. I imagine in some ways you resent that your sisters are once again in the same house as you. I get it, I do, I was the oldest child and I had a lot of similar experiences.
I can write forever about all the different ways life had to suck for you growing up. I know that I am not always the easiest person to deal with. I have my shortcomings, and as you have gotten older you have come to be aware of them. I know sometimes I can be a bit of hypocrite, I try not to be, but when I am it's generally because I am trying to get you to avoid making a mistake I did. One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life was not appreciating what your grandparents did for Mommy and me when you were firstborn. In fact, I kind of felt entitled to their generosity, and that caused issues to develop between us that still exist to this day. Some day I may tell you the whole story, but right now all you need to know is that I messed up, and I can see some of that same mistake happening with you.
Please Bean, take what I am about to say as advice, not criticism. Understand that I know I will be a bit hypocritical in my advice, and I hope you can see through that and realize that what I have to say has value. I really hope you can because this isn't about yelling at you or telling you you're doing bad, it's really about me trying to reach out and help things work for everyone.
You need to remember you are a guest there. You are not entitled to anything that your grandparents have. Everything they give you, they give you out of love for you. Everything they offer you is a gift and should be treated with respect. You are a guest in their home, and you need to keep that in mind. Yes, they probably invited you in because they felt it was a better situation for you. Yes, they enjoy having you around, and yes, I think it's probably a better place for you right now than being here at home. However, that does not change the fact you are a guest in their home.
You need to be a good guest Bean, you need to offer to help with things like dishes, cooking, cleaning. You need to look after your cat, and you need to help them with your sisters. No one wanted this damn pandemic to happen. No one was prepared for it. However, it's here and we are all having to make sacrifices. Mommy is on the front lines of this risking her life. I am her ONLY support up here right now and I am risking my life to stand by her. Right now I need to know that my children are safe and that they are doing all that they can to support each other.
I know it's not fair. You had just gotten started with your own life, had found a way to avoid coming back home, then bam, your sisters arrive and part of what you wanted to get away from showed up. The thing is this whole thing isn't fair. It's not fair to you, your grandparents, your sisters, your Mommy, or me... It's not fair to anyone and that's why right now we all have to fortify up and do our part.
If I had it my way you wouldn't have to handle any of this, none of us would, but the epidemic doesn't seem to be overly concerned about my feelings. Instead, I am having to deal with the stuff that is in front of me. I am having to make choices as a husband and a parent that suck. Your grandparents are having to make choices that suck, you're having to make choices that suck. That's just the way it is, and no amount of being angry or mad about how unfair things are is going to make it better.
However, that doesn't mean we don't have control over how we respond to it. In fact the more control we take for ourselves by actively doing our part to make things better for other people, the better we are going to feel. If we give in to resentment and anger, if we look at how all the things are not the way we want them, we feel worse. I'm doing dishes, taking the dog out, making mommy food, all those things I am doing to make her life a little bit easier and having those things to do helps me feel better because I feel like I am doing something about the problem.
I know you have to deal with school work. I get you are tired a lot... I wish we had an answer to that problem, and I'm not expecting you to be energetic and happy. However, I do expect you to be a good guest. I do expect you to take a moment to consider how hard this is on your sisters and to do your part to help their lives be easier right now.
Jasmine has a lot of needs, and one of those needs is to feel emotionally supported. Right now she doesn't have one of her tools to have that feeling, and when I watched you tease her about how your cat was the one allowed down there and hers wasn't, I was very disappointed in you. Of all people who should be sensitive to the needs of others to feel support, you should be on the top of the list. I need you to give some thought to that and to find a way to get your head around the idea that your sister has things she needs to. I know she causes a lot of her own problems and she won't do the things she could do in order to alleviate them, but you can't control that, you can only control how you react to it.
Jade is in a world of hurt right now. She's in a dark place, and I am so worried about her with all this upheaval. Her entire life has been turned upside down right as she was finally getting to a point where things could start being fixed. Now she has no idea when her surgeries will happen, she has limited contact with her friends, she is in a strange house and having to take what is available when she had gotten very accustomed to her own room. We had just gotten her into therapy so she could start working through some things. Out of everyone this pandemic probably came at the worst time for her than anyone else, and in many ways, she is the least prepared to cope with it.
I need you to be there for your sisters Bean. I know you have been their surrogate mother in many ways, that's part of the joy of being the oldest, I had to go through that with my younger siblings, and it sucks. However, right now we kind of have to deal with the suck and if we do that the right way it can help ourselves through this crisis as well.
I think I have beat this horse enough. I hope you take it in the spirit it's meant, not as a lecture from a father who has his own issues. While I am not a perfect person, bean, I have earned a lot of wisdom in my life, and I hope you can that wisdom.
I love you Bean, I am so proud of you. Don't ever forget that.
your Dad.
I have written each of your sisters a blog, in fact, have written Jade two, so I figured I should write one for you today. I had hoped that this would be a good way for me to continue reaching out to you as you ventured out into adulthood, but I kind of let things go a bit. That's okay, I don't feel like I need to publish a post on any particular schedule, but right now with all that is going on, I feel like communicating with my children is a good thing.
Right now the world is in an interesting place. A lot of things are changing, we are having to adapt to a new reality. None of us know for sure when this will end, and there is even less certainty about what the future will look like. All of us are having to make sacrifices, and sometimes those sacrifices are easy, but sometimes they are very difficult. You have been fortunate in that regard in some ways, in others you have been asked to make sacrifices that no one should have to be. On one hand, you have never really had to worry about basic necessities like food. Sure, there were tough times here and there, but overall your life hasn't been as bad as some. However, you did have to deal with the reality of a brain tumor and to this day that still affects you. I wish I could fix that, I can't, but I wish I could.
However, while you have reasons to feel challenged in life, you have a lot that you can be grateful for. I don't know if I know many other 19-year-olds that have been able to visit three foreign countries, have been able to attend a private university, have had a parent available to them pretty much 24/7 their entire lives, as well as other things. While you did get handed a bit of a bucket of crap in regards to the brain tumor, it's hard to say your life hasn't been better than average. I am proud to have been able to help give you the good things you enjoy, I am proud of who you have become. However, I think I need to take a moment to remind you of a few things.
The other day when we were on the video call I couldn't help but notice you were acting a bit entitled. You seemed to be taking some joy in the fact that Mossy is allowed to be at your Grandparents house while Jasmine is being denied her own cat. It also felt a bit like you felt like your place with your Grandparents put you in a superior position to your sisters. It almost felt like you thought of yourself as being "at home" while your sisters are mere "guests". I will say that I found that a bit troubling.
I know that you have enjoyed being on your own. I know that you are an adult and that I can't control your choices and actions. However, that doesn't mean you are not still a member of this family and that you no longer have any responsibility to it. While yes, being an adult means you have a greater amount of choice in your life, it also means that you are expected to be more responsive to those around you. As a kid people make sacrifices for you, as an adult, you start making sacrifices for other people. I know you feel you have made your share of sacrifices already. I know you feel like you had to be responsible for everyone the last few years, and being able to get out of the house and away from all that was a breath of fresh air. I imagine in some ways you resent that your sisters are once again in the same house as you. I get it, I do, I was the oldest child and I had a lot of similar experiences.
I can write forever about all the different ways life had to suck for you growing up. I know that I am not always the easiest person to deal with. I have my shortcomings, and as you have gotten older you have come to be aware of them. I know sometimes I can be a bit of hypocrite, I try not to be, but when I am it's generally because I am trying to get you to avoid making a mistake I did. One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life was not appreciating what your grandparents did for Mommy and me when you were firstborn. In fact, I kind of felt entitled to their generosity, and that caused issues to develop between us that still exist to this day. Some day I may tell you the whole story, but right now all you need to know is that I messed up, and I can see some of that same mistake happening with you.
Please Bean, take what I am about to say as advice, not criticism. Understand that I know I will be a bit hypocritical in my advice, and I hope you can see through that and realize that what I have to say has value. I really hope you can because this isn't about yelling at you or telling you you're doing bad, it's really about me trying to reach out and help things work for everyone.
You need to remember you are a guest there. You are not entitled to anything that your grandparents have. Everything they give you, they give you out of love for you. Everything they offer you is a gift and should be treated with respect. You are a guest in their home, and you need to keep that in mind. Yes, they probably invited you in because they felt it was a better situation for you. Yes, they enjoy having you around, and yes, I think it's probably a better place for you right now than being here at home. However, that does not change the fact you are a guest in their home.
You need to be a good guest Bean, you need to offer to help with things like dishes, cooking, cleaning. You need to look after your cat, and you need to help them with your sisters. No one wanted this damn pandemic to happen. No one was prepared for it. However, it's here and we are all having to make sacrifices. Mommy is on the front lines of this risking her life. I am her ONLY support up here right now and I am risking my life to stand by her. Right now I need to know that my children are safe and that they are doing all that they can to support each other.
I know it's not fair. You had just gotten started with your own life, had found a way to avoid coming back home, then bam, your sisters arrive and part of what you wanted to get away from showed up. The thing is this whole thing isn't fair. It's not fair to you, your grandparents, your sisters, your Mommy, or me... It's not fair to anyone and that's why right now we all have to fortify up and do our part.
If I had it my way you wouldn't have to handle any of this, none of us would, but the epidemic doesn't seem to be overly concerned about my feelings. Instead, I am having to deal with the stuff that is in front of me. I am having to make choices as a husband and a parent that suck. Your grandparents are having to make choices that suck, you're having to make choices that suck. That's just the way it is, and no amount of being angry or mad about how unfair things are is going to make it better.
However, that doesn't mean we don't have control over how we respond to it. In fact the more control we take for ourselves by actively doing our part to make things better for other people, the better we are going to feel. If we give in to resentment and anger, if we look at how all the things are not the way we want them, we feel worse. I'm doing dishes, taking the dog out, making mommy food, all those things I am doing to make her life a little bit easier and having those things to do helps me feel better because I feel like I am doing something about the problem.
I know you have to deal with school work. I get you are tired a lot... I wish we had an answer to that problem, and I'm not expecting you to be energetic and happy. However, I do expect you to be a good guest. I do expect you to take a moment to consider how hard this is on your sisters and to do your part to help their lives be easier right now.
Jasmine has a lot of needs, and one of those needs is to feel emotionally supported. Right now she doesn't have one of her tools to have that feeling, and when I watched you tease her about how your cat was the one allowed down there and hers wasn't, I was very disappointed in you. Of all people who should be sensitive to the needs of others to feel support, you should be on the top of the list. I need you to give some thought to that and to find a way to get your head around the idea that your sister has things she needs to. I know she causes a lot of her own problems and she won't do the things she could do in order to alleviate them, but you can't control that, you can only control how you react to it.
Jade is in a world of hurt right now. She's in a dark place, and I am so worried about her with all this upheaval. Her entire life has been turned upside down right as she was finally getting to a point where things could start being fixed. Now she has no idea when her surgeries will happen, she has limited contact with her friends, she is in a strange house and having to take what is available when she had gotten very accustomed to her own room. We had just gotten her into therapy so she could start working through some things. Out of everyone this pandemic probably came at the worst time for her than anyone else, and in many ways, she is the least prepared to cope with it.
I need you to be there for your sisters Bean. I know you have been their surrogate mother in many ways, that's part of the joy of being the oldest, I had to go through that with my younger siblings, and it sucks. However, right now we kind of have to deal with the suck and if we do that the right way it can help ourselves through this crisis as well.
I think I have beat this horse enough. I hope you take it in the spirit it's meant, not as a lecture from a father who has his own issues. While I am not a perfect person, bean, I have earned a lot of wisdom in my life, and I hope you can that wisdom.
I love you Bean, I am so proud of you. Don't ever forget that.
your Dad.
Saturday, March 14, 2020
Adulthood...
Hey Bean, it's your Dad,
I know it's been a while since I wrote to you, but life kind of gets in the way of things. One day bleeds into the next, and I have never been the best at consistency (shocker I know), but that doesn't mean I am not thinking about you. I don't know what I expected when you left home. I don't think I ever really gave it much thought until you did. I wasn't prepared for the feeling of something being missing and definitely wasn't ready for all the fear that comes with letting you go out into the world. In a way being a parent is a mixed blessing. On one hand, you have a person in your life that brings you endless amounts of joy, but on the other, you also experience a fear that no one can really explain to you until you feel it yourself.
I have always tried not to let fear be the thing that makes decisions for me as a person or a parent. I feel like fear stops people from doing things far more than it will ever keep them safe. I didn't want to raise you to be scared, I wanted to raise you to be brave, strong, tough. When I look at all you have achieved, I feel like I accomplished that. The problem is that while I was successful, it's the exact thing that makes me afraid. When I hear about you wanting to go to Tanzania, one part of me is excited about you getting experiences and loving that you want to help the world. However, another part of me feels fear, and sometimes that's the part that wins. When I feel afraid I tend to get angry, I bristle, I bare my teeth and bark because I want the fear to go away. I wish that didn't happen, I wish I was better about it, but no one is perfect I suppose.
I struggle the most with this fear of losing you. I can't possibly describe how horrified I was when you were sick with a brain tumor. I could write a thousand blog posts simply on that topic and not even scratch the surface of the sheer terror the thought of losing you invoked within me. The hours I spent using every bit of my effort to put on a brave face, to make you feel safe, to love you as deeply and as well as I could are beyond counting. To this day I have never felt something come so close to driving me to the brink of utter despair. Then as you got better, as you healed, as you grew and blossomed into the wonderful young woman you are today, I started to let go of the fear a bit, started to trust that you would be okay. Sure, we had some bumps on the way, but overall you did well with them. Then came a whole new fear. You left home.
That first night after you left, when I thought about you alone and in your dorm room. When I felt a gaping hole in my life, I cried. I don't cry often, but that night I cried like a baby. While some of those tears were shed out of sorrow and fear, they were also shed out of exaltation and fierce pride that my daughter was finally making her way out into the world. While part of me wanted to tell you that college wasn't a big deal, you really should just come back home. Another part of me knew that you needed to spread your wings and find your way on your own. My little girl had grown up.
That night I remembered when you would hold my pinky finger as we walked. I remembered the times you would hide behind me when someone you didn't know was talking to me. I remembered so many things about you and all of them were beautiful and wonderful, but gods I missed you so damn much. I still miss you, and I will always miss you.
While I will always miss you, I hope you never let that stop you from striding out and doing what you want to do. I know at times I tend to react poorly to your choices. Get used to it, I'm your Dad, I earned a right to not always be happy with things. While I hope that you would want to come to see me want to spend time with me, I also understand the world is a great big place and I want you to feel free to explore it. I will not promise that I will always be okay with it, because there will be times I won't be, but I can promise I will always love you.
When I'm growling or barking, try to remember that's just the fear coming out. Realize that I'm scared to death of losing my little girl. While I rationally accept that you are your own person, and I am so proud of who you have become, I can't ever let go of that feeling of your tiny little hand around my finger. While I know in my head you're an adult, in my heart your that little baby I held in my arms through the first night of your life so mommy could rest. I knew then that someday I would have to watch you leave me, and just like I did when you first left home, I cried. I cried because I knew that someday this helpless little baby would be someone who didn't need me anymore. I cried because the single most wonderful thing I would ever accomplish would also be one of the most painful things I could experience. I knew that if I did my job right, someday that little baby would leave me. While I know I did my job right, and I know it's not my job anymore, I'm struggling a bit with all of that.
I will get used to it, I will learn lessons from it. I will do better with Jasmine, and by the time Jade leaves the house, I will be a pro at letting go. Unfortunately for you, you are my oldest, so your the one that bears the brunt of me figuring out how to Dad right. I have spent a lot of time talking about fear, but I also want to thank you.
Thank you, Bean, for being who you are. Thank you for being the unwilling victim of my parental mistakes and still achieving things. Thank you for growing into such a wonderful, amazing, strong woman. Thank you for every time you succeeded and filled my hear with pride. Thank you for all the wonder you have brought into my life. Most of all Bean, thank you for being able to go out into the world with your head held high, your jaw set in determination, and for never letting life keep you on the ground.
Sure, I'm having some issues with letting my little girl go. However, don't think for a moment I don't love the woman you are.
I love you Bean,
Dad
I know it's been a while since I wrote to you, but life kind of gets in the way of things. One day bleeds into the next, and I have never been the best at consistency (shocker I know), but that doesn't mean I am not thinking about you. I don't know what I expected when you left home. I don't think I ever really gave it much thought until you did. I wasn't prepared for the feeling of something being missing and definitely wasn't ready for all the fear that comes with letting you go out into the world. In a way being a parent is a mixed blessing. On one hand, you have a person in your life that brings you endless amounts of joy, but on the other, you also experience a fear that no one can really explain to you until you feel it yourself.
I have always tried not to let fear be the thing that makes decisions for me as a person or a parent. I feel like fear stops people from doing things far more than it will ever keep them safe. I didn't want to raise you to be scared, I wanted to raise you to be brave, strong, tough. When I look at all you have achieved, I feel like I accomplished that. The problem is that while I was successful, it's the exact thing that makes me afraid. When I hear about you wanting to go to Tanzania, one part of me is excited about you getting experiences and loving that you want to help the world. However, another part of me feels fear, and sometimes that's the part that wins. When I feel afraid I tend to get angry, I bristle, I bare my teeth and bark because I want the fear to go away. I wish that didn't happen, I wish I was better about it, but no one is perfect I suppose.
I struggle the most with this fear of losing you. I can't possibly describe how horrified I was when you were sick with a brain tumor. I could write a thousand blog posts simply on that topic and not even scratch the surface of the sheer terror the thought of losing you invoked within me. The hours I spent using every bit of my effort to put on a brave face, to make you feel safe, to love you as deeply and as well as I could are beyond counting. To this day I have never felt something come so close to driving me to the brink of utter despair. Then as you got better, as you healed, as you grew and blossomed into the wonderful young woman you are today, I started to let go of the fear a bit, started to trust that you would be okay. Sure, we had some bumps on the way, but overall you did well with them. Then came a whole new fear. You left home.
That first night after you left, when I thought about you alone and in your dorm room. When I felt a gaping hole in my life, I cried. I don't cry often, but that night I cried like a baby. While some of those tears were shed out of sorrow and fear, they were also shed out of exaltation and fierce pride that my daughter was finally making her way out into the world. While part of me wanted to tell you that college wasn't a big deal, you really should just come back home. Another part of me knew that you needed to spread your wings and find your way on your own. My little girl had grown up.
That night I remembered when you would hold my pinky finger as we walked. I remembered the times you would hide behind me when someone you didn't know was talking to me. I remembered so many things about you and all of them were beautiful and wonderful, but gods I missed you so damn much. I still miss you, and I will always miss you.
While I will always miss you, I hope you never let that stop you from striding out and doing what you want to do. I know at times I tend to react poorly to your choices. Get used to it, I'm your Dad, I earned a right to not always be happy with things. While I hope that you would want to come to see me want to spend time with me, I also understand the world is a great big place and I want you to feel free to explore it. I will not promise that I will always be okay with it, because there will be times I won't be, but I can promise I will always love you.
When I'm growling or barking, try to remember that's just the fear coming out. Realize that I'm scared to death of losing my little girl. While I rationally accept that you are your own person, and I am so proud of who you have become, I can't ever let go of that feeling of your tiny little hand around my finger. While I know in my head you're an adult, in my heart your that little baby I held in my arms through the first night of your life so mommy could rest. I knew then that someday I would have to watch you leave me, and just like I did when you first left home, I cried. I cried because I knew that someday this helpless little baby would be someone who didn't need me anymore. I cried because the single most wonderful thing I would ever accomplish would also be one of the most painful things I could experience. I knew that if I did my job right, someday that little baby would leave me. While I know I did my job right, and I know it's not my job anymore, I'm struggling a bit with all of that.
I will get used to it, I will learn lessons from it. I will do better with Jasmine, and by the time Jade leaves the house, I will be a pro at letting go. Unfortunately for you, you are my oldest, so your the one that bears the brunt of me figuring out how to Dad right. I have spent a lot of time talking about fear, but I also want to thank you.
Thank you, Bean, for being who you are. Thank you for being the unwilling victim of my parental mistakes and still achieving things. Thank you for growing into such a wonderful, amazing, strong woman. Thank you for every time you succeeded and filled my hear with pride. Thank you for all the wonder you have brought into my life. Most of all Bean, thank you for being able to go out into the world with your head held high, your jaw set in determination, and for never letting life keep you on the ground.
Sure, I'm having some issues with letting my little girl go. However, don't think for a moment I don't love the woman you are.
I love you Bean,
Dad
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