Being a Good Guest

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

I have written each of your sisters a blog, in fact, have written Jade two, so I figured I should write one for you today. I had hoped that this would be a good way for me to continue reaching out to you as you ventured out into adulthood, but I kind of let things go a bit. That's okay, I don't feel like I need to publish a post on any particular schedule, but right now with all that is going on, I feel like communicating with my children is a good thing.

Right now the world is in an interesting place. A lot of things are changing,  we are having to adapt to a new reality. None of us know for sure when this will end, and there is even less certainty about what the future will look like. All of us are having to make sacrifices, and sometimes those sacrifices are easy, but sometimes they are very difficult. You have been fortunate in that regard in some ways, in others you have been asked to make sacrifices that no one should have to be. On one hand, you have never really had to worry about basic necessities like food. Sure, there were tough times here and there, but overall your life hasn't been as bad as some. However, you did have to deal with the reality of a brain tumor and to this day that still affects you. I wish I could fix that, I can't, but I wish I could.

However, while you have reasons to feel challenged in life, you have a lot that you can be grateful for. I don't know if I know many other 19-year-olds that have been able to visit three foreign countries, have been able to attend a private university, have had a parent available to them pretty much 24/7 their entire lives, as well as other things. While you did get handed a bit of a bucket of crap in regards to the brain tumor, it's hard to say your life hasn't been better than average. I am proud to have been able to help give you the good things you enjoy, I am proud of who you have become. However, I think I need to take a moment to remind you of a few things.

The other day when we were on the video call I couldn't help but notice you were acting a bit entitled. You seemed to be taking some joy in the fact that Mossy is allowed to be at your Grandparents house while Jasmine is being denied her own cat. It also felt a bit like you felt like your place with your Grandparents put you in a superior position to your sisters. It almost felt like you thought of yourself as being "at home" while your sisters are mere "guests". I will say that I found that a bit troubling.

I know that you have enjoyed being on your own. I know that you are an adult and that I can't control your choices and actions. However, that doesn't mean you are not still a member of this family and that you no longer have any responsibility to it. While yes, being an adult means you have a greater amount of choice in your life, it also means that you are expected to be more responsive to those around you. As a kid people make sacrifices for you, as an adult, you start making sacrifices for other people. I know you feel you have made your share of sacrifices already. I know you feel like you had to be responsible for everyone the last few years, and being able to get out of the house and away from all that was a breath of fresh air. I imagine in some ways you resent that your sisters are once again in the same house as you. I get it, I do, I was the oldest child and I had a lot of similar experiences.

I can write forever about all the different ways life had to suck for you growing up. I know that I am not always the easiest person to deal with. I have my shortcomings, and as you have gotten older you have come to be aware of them. I know sometimes I can be a bit of hypocrite, I try not to be, but when I am it's generally because I am trying to get you to avoid making a mistake I did. One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life was not appreciating what your grandparents did for Mommy and me when you were firstborn. In fact, I kind of felt entitled to their generosity, and that caused issues to develop between us that still exist to this day. Some day I may tell you the whole story, but right now all you need to know is that I messed up, and I can see some of that same mistake happening with you.

Please Bean, take what I am about to say as advice, not criticism. Understand that I know I will be a bit hypocritical in my advice, and I hope you can see through that and realize that what I have to say has value. I really hope you can because this isn't about yelling at you or telling you you're doing bad, it's really about me trying to reach out and help things work for everyone.

You need to remember you are a guest there. You are not entitled to anything that your grandparents have. Everything they give you, they give you out of love for you. Everything they offer you is a gift and should be treated with respect. You are a guest in their home, and you need to keep that in mind. Yes, they probably invited you in because they felt it was a better situation for you. Yes, they enjoy having you around, and yes, I think it's probably a better place for you right now than being here at home. However, that does not change the fact you are a guest in their home.

You need to be a good guest Bean, you need to offer to help with things like dishes, cooking, cleaning. You need to look after your cat, and you need to help them with your sisters. No one wanted this damn pandemic to happen. No one was prepared for it. However, it's here and we are all having to make sacrifices. Mommy is on the front lines of this risking her life. I am her ONLY support up here right now and I am risking my life to stand by her. Right now I need to know that my children are safe and that they are doing all that they can to support each other.

I know it's not fair. You had just gotten started with your own life, had found a way to avoid coming back home, then bam, your sisters arrive and part of what you wanted to get away from showed up. The thing is this whole thing isn't fair. It's not fair to you, your grandparents, your sisters,  your Mommy, or me... It's not fair to anyone and that's why right now we all have to fortify up and do our part.

If I had it my way you wouldn't have to handle any of this, none of us would, but the epidemic doesn't seem to be overly concerned about my feelings. Instead, I am having to deal with the stuff that is in front of me. I am having to make choices as a husband and a parent that suck. Your grandparents are having to make choices that suck, you're having to make choices that suck. That's just the way it is, and no amount of being angry or mad about how unfair things are is going to make it better.

However, that doesn't mean we don't have control over how we respond to it. In fact the more control we take for ourselves by actively doing our part to make things better for other people, the better we are going to feel. If we give in to resentment and anger, if we look at how all the things are not the way we want them, we feel worse. I'm doing dishes, taking the dog out, making mommy food, all those things I am doing to make her life a little bit easier and having those things to do helps me feel better because I feel like I am doing something about the problem.

I know you have to deal with school work. I get you are tired a lot... I wish we had an answer to that problem, and I'm not expecting you to be energetic and happy. However, I do expect you to be a good guest. I do expect you to take a moment to consider how hard this is on your sisters and to do your part to help their lives be easier right now.

Jasmine has a lot of needs, and one of those needs is to feel emotionally supported. Right now she doesn't have one of her tools to have that feeling, and when I watched you tease her about how your cat was the one allowed down there and hers wasn't, I was very disappointed in you. Of all people who should be sensitive to the needs of others to feel support, you should be on the top of the list. I need you to give some thought to that and to find a way to get your head around the idea that your sister has things she needs to. I know she causes a lot of her own problems and she won't do the things she could do in order to alleviate them, but you can't control that, you can only control how you react to it.

Jade is in a world of hurt right now. She's in a dark place, and I am so worried about her with all this upheaval. Her entire life has been turned upside down right as she was finally getting to a point where things could start being fixed.  Now she has no idea when her surgeries will happen, she has limited contact with her friends, she is in a strange house and having to take what is available when she had gotten very accustomed to her own room. We had just gotten her into therapy so she could start working through some things. Out of everyone this pandemic probably came at the worst time for her than anyone else, and in many ways, she is the least prepared to cope with it.

I need you to be there for your sisters Bean. I know you have been their surrogate mother in many ways, that's part of the joy of being the oldest, I had to go through that with my younger siblings, and it sucks. However, right now we kind of have to deal with the suck and if we do that the right way it can help ourselves through this crisis as well.

I think I have beat this horse enough. I hope you take it in the spirit it's meant, not as a lecture from a father who has his own issues. While I am not a perfect person, bean, I have earned a lot of wisdom in my life, and I hope you can that wisdom.

I love you Bean, I am so proud of you. Don't ever forget that.

your Dad.