Hey Bean, It's your Dad.
It's been a bit since I wrote, but I kind of feel a need to reach out right now, and for me that means taking time to focus on what I want to say, how I feel, and express it. I like the process of writing, for me, it's a form of meditation and mindfulness. It allows me to examine and think through complex feelings. I never quite know what I will find when I begin writing for this reason because I simply just allow my mind to flow and wander. I know at times it may make this all a bit disjointed, but that's also a mirror into my mind as well.
I have always wanted to have a thing that you and I do together. I've tried various ways over various times to make this happen and it's never really worked out. Sometimes it's because of a lack of interest on your part, sometimes it's because I lose focus, sometimes it's life getting in the way, but that doesn't mean I don't want to have that thing with you, I just think we have to work to find it. In the past I kept making the mistake of choosing it for both of us, I would get you all excited by the idea, and then my follow-through would suck. As you grew older you showed less interest in some of the things I wanted to do and you also developed your own interests. As time went on I tried less often with less effort because I had failed so often before and you three reminded me of that fact. However, I don't want to give up on that... I really do think you and I can find an activity that we both enjoy, and that we both can commit to. I was hoping Minecraft would be that thing, but over time it's become apparent that your interest in Minecraft has waned and I understand why. After all you have put a lot of time into that game, you have done all you can do with it, and while you still enjoy playing on occasion, other interests take up your time. I still enjoy Minecraft but I am afraid my interests differ from yours in regards to how to play. I want to build a world with a story, I want to talk about the story, work to make the world what I envision, that kind of thing... but I don't know if that is what you want.
So I want to try something that I haven't done before. I would like it if you gave some thought on a few activities we could do together. I don't want you to worry to much about if I would like them or not, I really just want you to think about what you might enjoy doing with your Dad. Once you have given it some thought, I want you to make a few suggestions about what you thought of, and we can discuss them. I'm happy to do this through writing between our blogs, in text on Facebook, or a phone call. I will leave how we discuss this up to you.
I love you Bean, I would really like to find an activity we can do together, I hope you want that as well.
Hope to hear from you soon one way or another.
Love,
Your Dad
Sunday, May 24, 2020
Monday, April 6, 2020
Being a Good Guest
Hey Bean, it's your Dad,
I have written each of your sisters a blog, in fact, have written Jade two, so I figured I should write one for you today. I had hoped that this would be a good way for me to continue reaching out to you as you ventured out into adulthood, but I kind of let things go a bit. That's okay, I don't feel like I need to publish a post on any particular schedule, but right now with all that is going on, I feel like communicating with my children is a good thing.
Right now the world is in an interesting place. A lot of things are changing, we are having to adapt to a new reality. None of us know for sure when this will end, and there is even less certainty about what the future will look like. All of us are having to make sacrifices, and sometimes those sacrifices are easy, but sometimes they are very difficult. You have been fortunate in that regard in some ways, in others you have been asked to make sacrifices that no one should have to be. On one hand, you have never really had to worry about basic necessities like food. Sure, there were tough times here and there, but overall your life hasn't been as bad as some. However, you did have to deal with the reality of a brain tumor and to this day that still affects you. I wish I could fix that, I can't, but I wish I could.
However, while you have reasons to feel challenged in life, you have a lot that you can be grateful for. I don't know if I know many other 19-year-olds that have been able to visit three foreign countries, have been able to attend a private university, have had a parent available to them pretty much 24/7 their entire lives, as well as other things. While you did get handed a bit of a bucket of crap in regards to the brain tumor, it's hard to say your life hasn't been better than average. I am proud to have been able to help give you the good things you enjoy, I am proud of who you have become. However, I think I need to take a moment to remind you of a few things.
The other day when we were on the video call I couldn't help but notice you were acting a bit entitled. You seemed to be taking some joy in the fact that Mossy is allowed to be at your Grandparents house while Jasmine is being denied her own cat. It also felt a bit like you felt like your place with your Grandparents put you in a superior position to your sisters. It almost felt like you thought of yourself as being "at home" while your sisters are mere "guests". I will say that I found that a bit troubling.
I know that you have enjoyed being on your own. I know that you are an adult and that I can't control your choices and actions. However, that doesn't mean you are not still a member of this family and that you no longer have any responsibility to it. While yes, being an adult means you have a greater amount of choice in your life, it also means that you are expected to be more responsive to those around you. As a kid people make sacrifices for you, as an adult, you start making sacrifices for other people. I know you feel you have made your share of sacrifices already. I know you feel like you had to be responsible for everyone the last few years, and being able to get out of the house and away from all that was a breath of fresh air. I imagine in some ways you resent that your sisters are once again in the same house as you. I get it, I do, I was the oldest child and I had a lot of similar experiences.
I can write forever about all the different ways life had to suck for you growing up. I know that I am not always the easiest person to deal with. I have my shortcomings, and as you have gotten older you have come to be aware of them. I know sometimes I can be a bit of hypocrite, I try not to be, but when I am it's generally because I am trying to get you to avoid making a mistake I did. One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life was not appreciating what your grandparents did for Mommy and me when you were firstborn. In fact, I kind of felt entitled to their generosity, and that caused issues to develop between us that still exist to this day. Some day I may tell you the whole story, but right now all you need to know is that I messed up, and I can see some of that same mistake happening with you.
Please Bean, take what I am about to say as advice, not criticism. Understand that I know I will be a bit hypocritical in my advice, and I hope you can see through that and realize that what I have to say has value. I really hope you can because this isn't about yelling at you or telling you you're doing bad, it's really about me trying to reach out and help things work for everyone.
You need to remember you are a guest there. You are not entitled to anything that your grandparents have. Everything they give you, they give you out of love for you. Everything they offer you is a gift and should be treated with respect. You are a guest in their home, and you need to keep that in mind. Yes, they probably invited you in because they felt it was a better situation for you. Yes, they enjoy having you around, and yes, I think it's probably a better place for you right now than being here at home. However, that does not change the fact you are a guest in their home.
You need to be a good guest Bean, you need to offer to help with things like dishes, cooking, cleaning. You need to look after your cat, and you need to help them with your sisters. No one wanted this damn pandemic to happen. No one was prepared for it. However, it's here and we are all having to make sacrifices. Mommy is on the front lines of this risking her life. I am her ONLY support up here right now and I am risking my life to stand by her. Right now I need to know that my children are safe and that they are doing all that they can to support each other.
I know it's not fair. You had just gotten started with your own life, had found a way to avoid coming back home, then bam, your sisters arrive and part of what you wanted to get away from showed up. The thing is this whole thing isn't fair. It's not fair to you, your grandparents, your sisters, your Mommy, or me... It's not fair to anyone and that's why right now we all have to fortify up and do our part.
If I had it my way you wouldn't have to handle any of this, none of us would, but the epidemic doesn't seem to be overly concerned about my feelings. Instead, I am having to deal with the stuff that is in front of me. I am having to make choices as a husband and a parent that suck. Your grandparents are having to make choices that suck, you're having to make choices that suck. That's just the way it is, and no amount of being angry or mad about how unfair things are is going to make it better.
However, that doesn't mean we don't have control over how we respond to it. In fact the more control we take for ourselves by actively doing our part to make things better for other people, the better we are going to feel. If we give in to resentment and anger, if we look at how all the things are not the way we want them, we feel worse. I'm doing dishes, taking the dog out, making mommy food, all those things I am doing to make her life a little bit easier and having those things to do helps me feel better because I feel like I am doing something about the problem.
I know you have to deal with school work. I get you are tired a lot... I wish we had an answer to that problem, and I'm not expecting you to be energetic and happy. However, I do expect you to be a good guest. I do expect you to take a moment to consider how hard this is on your sisters and to do your part to help their lives be easier right now.
Jasmine has a lot of needs, and one of those needs is to feel emotionally supported. Right now she doesn't have one of her tools to have that feeling, and when I watched you tease her about how your cat was the one allowed down there and hers wasn't, I was very disappointed in you. Of all people who should be sensitive to the needs of others to feel support, you should be on the top of the list. I need you to give some thought to that and to find a way to get your head around the idea that your sister has things she needs to. I know she causes a lot of her own problems and she won't do the things she could do in order to alleviate them, but you can't control that, you can only control how you react to it.
Jade is in a world of hurt right now. She's in a dark place, and I am so worried about her with all this upheaval. Her entire life has been turned upside down right as she was finally getting to a point where things could start being fixed. Now she has no idea when her surgeries will happen, she has limited contact with her friends, she is in a strange house and having to take what is available when she had gotten very accustomed to her own room. We had just gotten her into therapy so she could start working through some things. Out of everyone this pandemic probably came at the worst time for her than anyone else, and in many ways, she is the least prepared to cope with it.
I need you to be there for your sisters Bean. I know you have been their surrogate mother in many ways, that's part of the joy of being the oldest, I had to go through that with my younger siblings, and it sucks. However, right now we kind of have to deal with the suck and if we do that the right way it can help ourselves through this crisis as well.
I think I have beat this horse enough. I hope you take it in the spirit it's meant, not as a lecture from a father who has his own issues. While I am not a perfect person, bean, I have earned a lot of wisdom in my life, and I hope you can that wisdom.
I love you Bean, I am so proud of you. Don't ever forget that.
your Dad.
I have written each of your sisters a blog, in fact, have written Jade two, so I figured I should write one for you today. I had hoped that this would be a good way for me to continue reaching out to you as you ventured out into adulthood, but I kind of let things go a bit. That's okay, I don't feel like I need to publish a post on any particular schedule, but right now with all that is going on, I feel like communicating with my children is a good thing.
Right now the world is in an interesting place. A lot of things are changing, we are having to adapt to a new reality. None of us know for sure when this will end, and there is even less certainty about what the future will look like. All of us are having to make sacrifices, and sometimes those sacrifices are easy, but sometimes they are very difficult. You have been fortunate in that regard in some ways, in others you have been asked to make sacrifices that no one should have to be. On one hand, you have never really had to worry about basic necessities like food. Sure, there were tough times here and there, but overall your life hasn't been as bad as some. However, you did have to deal with the reality of a brain tumor and to this day that still affects you. I wish I could fix that, I can't, but I wish I could.
However, while you have reasons to feel challenged in life, you have a lot that you can be grateful for. I don't know if I know many other 19-year-olds that have been able to visit three foreign countries, have been able to attend a private university, have had a parent available to them pretty much 24/7 their entire lives, as well as other things. While you did get handed a bit of a bucket of crap in regards to the brain tumor, it's hard to say your life hasn't been better than average. I am proud to have been able to help give you the good things you enjoy, I am proud of who you have become. However, I think I need to take a moment to remind you of a few things.
The other day when we were on the video call I couldn't help but notice you were acting a bit entitled. You seemed to be taking some joy in the fact that Mossy is allowed to be at your Grandparents house while Jasmine is being denied her own cat. It also felt a bit like you felt like your place with your Grandparents put you in a superior position to your sisters. It almost felt like you thought of yourself as being "at home" while your sisters are mere "guests". I will say that I found that a bit troubling.
I know that you have enjoyed being on your own. I know that you are an adult and that I can't control your choices and actions. However, that doesn't mean you are not still a member of this family and that you no longer have any responsibility to it. While yes, being an adult means you have a greater amount of choice in your life, it also means that you are expected to be more responsive to those around you. As a kid people make sacrifices for you, as an adult, you start making sacrifices for other people. I know you feel you have made your share of sacrifices already. I know you feel like you had to be responsible for everyone the last few years, and being able to get out of the house and away from all that was a breath of fresh air. I imagine in some ways you resent that your sisters are once again in the same house as you. I get it, I do, I was the oldest child and I had a lot of similar experiences.
I can write forever about all the different ways life had to suck for you growing up. I know that I am not always the easiest person to deal with. I have my shortcomings, and as you have gotten older you have come to be aware of them. I know sometimes I can be a bit of hypocrite, I try not to be, but when I am it's generally because I am trying to get you to avoid making a mistake I did. One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life was not appreciating what your grandparents did for Mommy and me when you were firstborn. In fact, I kind of felt entitled to their generosity, and that caused issues to develop between us that still exist to this day. Some day I may tell you the whole story, but right now all you need to know is that I messed up, and I can see some of that same mistake happening with you.
Please Bean, take what I am about to say as advice, not criticism. Understand that I know I will be a bit hypocritical in my advice, and I hope you can see through that and realize that what I have to say has value. I really hope you can because this isn't about yelling at you or telling you you're doing bad, it's really about me trying to reach out and help things work for everyone.
You need to remember you are a guest there. You are not entitled to anything that your grandparents have. Everything they give you, they give you out of love for you. Everything they offer you is a gift and should be treated with respect. You are a guest in their home, and you need to keep that in mind. Yes, they probably invited you in because they felt it was a better situation for you. Yes, they enjoy having you around, and yes, I think it's probably a better place for you right now than being here at home. However, that does not change the fact you are a guest in their home.
You need to be a good guest Bean, you need to offer to help with things like dishes, cooking, cleaning. You need to look after your cat, and you need to help them with your sisters. No one wanted this damn pandemic to happen. No one was prepared for it. However, it's here and we are all having to make sacrifices. Mommy is on the front lines of this risking her life. I am her ONLY support up here right now and I am risking my life to stand by her. Right now I need to know that my children are safe and that they are doing all that they can to support each other.
I know it's not fair. You had just gotten started with your own life, had found a way to avoid coming back home, then bam, your sisters arrive and part of what you wanted to get away from showed up. The thing is this whole thing isn't fair. It's not fair to you, your grandparents, your sisters, your Mommy, or me... It's not fair to anyone and that's why right now we all have to fortify up and do our part.
If I had it my way you wouldn't have to handle any of this, none of us would, but the epidemic doesn't seem to be overly concerned about my feelings. Instead, I am having to deal with the stuff that is in front of me. I am having to make choices as a husband and a parent that suck. Your grandparents are having to make choices that suck, you're having to make choices that suck. That's just the way it is, and no amount of being angry or mad about how unfair things are is going to make it better.
However, that doesn't mean we don't have control over how we respond to it. In fact the more control we take for ourselves by actively doing our part to make things better for other people, the better we are going to feel. If we give in to resentment and anger, if we look at how all the things are not the way we want them, we feel worse. I'm doing dishes, taking the dog out, making mommy food, all those things I am doing to make her life a little bit easier and having those things to do helps me feel better because I feel like I am doing something about the problem.
I know you have to deal with school work. I get you are tired a lot... I wish we had an answer to that problem, and I'm not expecting you to be energetic and happy. However, I do expect you to be a good guest. I do expect you to take a moment to consider how hard this is on your sisters and to do your part to help their lives be easier right now.
Jasmine has a lot of needs, and one of those needs is to feel emotionally supported. Right now she doesn't have one of her tools to have that feeling, and when I watched you tease her about how your cat was the one allowed down there and hers wasn't, I was very disappointed in you. Of all people who should be sensitive to the needs of others to feel support, you should be on the top of the list. I need you to give some thought to that and to find a way to get your head around the idea that your sister has things she needs to. I know she causes a lot of her own problems and she won't do the things she could do in order to alleviate them, but you can't control that, you can only control how you react to it.
Jade is in a world of hurt right now. She's in a dark place, and I am so worried about her with all this upheaval. Her entire life has been turned upside down right as she was finally getting to a point where things could start being fixed. Now she has no idea when her surgeries will happen, she has limited contact with her friends, she is in a strange house and having to take what is available when she had gotten very accustomed to her own room. We had just gotten her into therapy so she could start working through some things. Out of everyone this pandemic probably came at the worst time for her than anyone else, and in many ways, she is the least prepared to cope with it.
I need you to be there for your sisters Bean. I know you have been their surrogate mother in many ways, that's part of the joy of being the oldest, I had to go through that with my younger siblings, and it sucks. However, right now we kind of have to deal with the suck and if we do that the right way it can help ourselves through this crisis as well.
I think I have beat this horse enough. I hope you take it in the spirit it's meant, not as a lecture from a father who has his own issues. While I am not a perfect person, bean, I have earned a lot of wisdom in my life, and I hope you can that wisdom.
I love you Bean, I am so proud of you. Don't ever forget that.
your Dad.
Saturday, March 14, 2020
Adulthood...
Hey Bean, it's your Dad,
I know it's been a while since I wrote to you, but life kind of gets in the way of things. One day bleeds into the next, and I have never been the best at consistency (shocker I know), but that doesn't mean I am not thinking about you. I don't know what I expected when you left home. I don't think I ever really gave it much thought until you did. I wasn't prepared for the feeling of something being missing and definitely wasn't ready for all the fear that comes with letting you go out into the world. In a way being a parent is a mixed blessing. On one hand, you have a person in your life that brings you endless amounts of joy, but on the other, you also experience a fear that no one can really explain to you until you feel it yourself.
I have always tried not to let fear be the thing that makes decisions for me as a person or a parent. I feel like fear stops people from doing things far more than it will ever keep them safe. I didn't want to raise you to be scared, I wanted to raise you to be brave, strong, tough. When I look at all you have achieved, I feel like I accomplished that. The problem is that while I was successful, it's the exact thing that makes me afraid. When I hear about you wanting to go to Tanzania, one part of me is excited about you getting experiences and loving that you want to help the world. However, another part of me feels fear, and sometimes that's the part that wins. When I feel afraid I tend to get angry, I bristle, I bare my teeth and bark because I want the fear to go away. I wish that didn't happen, I wish I was better about it, but no one is perfect I suppose.
I struggle the most with this fear of losing you. I can't possibly describe how horrified I was when you were sick with a brain tumor. I could write a thousand blog posts simply on that topic and not even scratch the surface of the sheer terror the thought of losing you invoked within me. The hours I spent using every bit of my effort to put on a brave face, to make you feel safe, to love you as deeply and as well as I could are beyond counting. To this day I have never felt something come so close to driving me to the brink of utter despair. Then as you got better, as you healed, as you grew and blossomed into the wonderful young woman you are today, I started to let go of the fear a bit, started to trust that you would be okay. Sure, we had some bumps on the way, but overall you did well with them. Then came a whole new fear. You left home.
That first night after you left, when I thought about you alone and in your dorm room. When I felt a gaping hole in my life, I cried. I don't cry often, but that night I cried like a baby. While some of those tears were shed out of sorrow and fear, they were also shed out of exaltation and fierce pride that my daughter was finally making her way out into the world. While part of me wanted to tell you that college wasn't a big deal, you really should just come back home. Another part of me knew that you needed to spread your wings and find your way on your own. My little girl had grown up.
That night I remembered when you would hold my pinky finger as we walked. I remembered the times you would hide behind me when someone you didn't know was talking to me. I remembered so many things about you and all of them were beautiful and wonderful, but gods I missed you so damn much. I still miss you, and I will always miss you.
While I will always miss you, I hope you never let that stop you from striding out and doing what you want to do. I know at times I tend to react poorly to your choices. Get used to it, I'm your Dad, I earned a right to not always be happy with things. While I hope that you would want to come to see me want to spend time with me, I also understand the world is a great big place and I want you to feel free to explore it. I will not promise that I will always be okay with it, because there will be times I won't be, but I can promise I will always love you.
When I'm growling or barking, try to remember that's just the fear coming out. Realize that I'm scared to death of losing my little girl. While I rationally accept that you are your own person, and I am so proud of who you have become, I can't ever let go of that feeling of your tiny little hand around my finger. While I know in my head you're an adult, in my heart your that little baby I held in my arms through the first night of your life so mommy could rest. I knew then that someday I would have to watch you leave me, and just like I did when you first left home, I cried. I cried because I knew that someday this helpless little baby would be someone who didn't need me anymore. I cried because the single most wonderful thing I would ever accomplish would also be one of the most painful things I could experience. I knew that if I did my job right, someday that little baby would leave me. While I know I did my job right, and I know it's not my job anymore, I'm struggling a bit with all of that.
I will get used to it, I will learn lessons from it. I will do better with Jasmine, and by the time Jade leaves the house, I will be a pro at letting go. Unfortunately for you, you are my oldest, so your the one that bears the brunt of me figuring out how to Dad right. I have spent a lot of time talking about fear, but I also want to thank you.
Thank you, Bean, for being who you are. Thank you for being the unwilling victim of my parental mistakes and still achieving things. Thank you for growing into such a wonderful, amazing, strong woman. Thank you for every time you succeeded and filled my hear with pride. Thank you for all the wonder you have brought into my life. Most of all Bean, thank you for being able to go out into the world with your head held high, your jaw set in determination, and for never letting life keep you on the ground.
Sure, I'm having some issues with letting my little girl go. However, don't think for a moment I don't love the woman you are.
I love you Bean,
Dad
I know it's been a while since I wrote to you, but life kind of gets in the way of things. One day bleeds into the next, and I have never been the best at consistency (shocker I know), but that doesn't mean I am not thinking about you. I don't know what I expected when you left home. I don't think I ever really gave it much thought until you did. I wasn't prepared for the feeling of something being missing and definitely wasn't ready for all the fear that comes with letting you go out into the world. In a way being a parent is a mixed blessing. On one hand, you have a person in your life that brings you endless amounts of joy, but on the other, you also experience a fear that no one can really explain to you until you feel it yourself.
I have always tried not to let fear be the thing that makes decisions for me as a person or a parent. I feel like fear stops people from doing things far more than it will ever keep them safe. I didn't want to raise you to be scared, I wanted to raise you to be brave, strong, tough. When I look at all you have achieved, I feel like I accomplished that. The problem is that while I was successful, it's the exact thing that makes me afraid. When I hear about you wanting to go to Tanzania, one part of me is excited about you getting experiences and loving that you want to help the world. However, another part of me feels fear, and sometimes that's the part that wins. When I feel afraid I tend to get angry, I bristle, I bare my teeth and bark because I want the fear to go away. I wish that didn't happen, I wish I was better about it, but no one is perfect I suppose.
I struggle the most with this fear of losing you. I can't possibly describe how horrified I was when you were sick with a brain tumor. I could write a thousand blog posts simply on that topic and not even scratch the surface of the sheer terror the thought of losing you invoked within me. The hours I spent using every bit of my effort to put on a brave face, to make you feel safe, to love you as deeply and as well as I could are beyond counting. To this day I have never felt something come so close to driving me to the brink of utter despair. Then as you got better, as you healed, as you grew and blossomed into the wonderful young woman you are today, I started to let go of the fear a bit, started to trust that you would be okay. Sure, we had some bumps on the way, but overall you did well with them. Then came a whole new fear. You left home.
That first night after you left, when I thought about you alone and in your dorm room. When I felt a gaping hole in my life, I cried. I don't cry often, but that night I cried like a baby. While some of those tears were shed out of sorrow and fear, they were also shed out of exaltation and fierce pride that my daughter was finally making her way out into the world. While part of me wanted to tell you that college wasn't a big deal, you really should just come back home. Another part of me knew that you needed to spread your wings and find your way on your own. My little girl had grown up.
That night I remembered when you would hold my pinky finger as we walked. I remembered the times you would hide behind me when someone you didn't know was talking to me. I remembered so many things about you and all of them were beautiful and wonderful, but gods I missed you so damn much. I still miss you, and I will always miss you.
While I will always miss you, I hope you never let that stop you from striding out and doing what you want to do. I know at times I tend to react poorly to your choices. Get used to it, I'm your Dad, I earned a right to not always be happy with things. While I hope that you would want to come to see me want to spend time with me, I also understand the world is a great big place and I want you to feel free to explore it. I will not promise that I will always be okay with it, because there will be times I won't be, but I can promise I will always love you.
When I'm growling or barking, try to remember that's just the fear coming out. Realize that I'm scared to death of losing my little girl. While I rationally accept that you are your own person, and I am so proud of who you have become, I can't ever let go of that feeling of your tiny little hand around my finger. While I know in my head you're an adult, in my heart your that little baby I held in my arms through the first night of your life so mommy could rest. I knew then that someday I would have to watch you leave me, and just like I did when you first left home, I cried. I cried because I knew that someday this helpless little baby would be someone who didn't need me anymore. I cried because the single most wonderful thing I would ever accomplish would also be one of the most painful things I could experience. I knew that if I did my job right, someday that little baby would leave me. While I know I did my job right, and I know it's not my job anymore, I'm struggling a bit with all of that.
I will get used to it, I will learn lessons from it. I will do better with Jasmine, and by the time Jade leaves the house, I will be a pro at letting go. Unfortunately for you, you are my oldest, so your the one that bears the brunt of me figuring out how to Dad right. I have spent a lot of time talking about fear, but I also want to thank you.
Thank you, Bean, for being who you are. Thank you for being the unwilling victim of my parental mistakes and still achieving things. Thank you for growing into such a wonderful, amazing, strong woman. Thank you for every time you succeeded and filled my hear with pride. Thank you for all the wonder you have brought into my life. Most of all Bean, thank you for being able to go out into the world with your head held high, your jaw set in determination, and for never letting life keep you on the ground.
Sure, I'm having some issues with letting my little girl go. However, don't think for a moment I don't love the woman you are.
I love you Bean,
Dad
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
Don't ever think I am not proud of you...
Hey Bean, It's your Dad,
I am having one of those moments I really wish I were a different person. Well, more like I wish I was just different. You are currently on your way to be inducted into the National Technical Honor Society, and I am here at home taking meds to calm down because unfortunately I have been a bit stressed out over some things lately and my nerves are at a point where I am super close to snapping. It sucks because when I am like this it's like trying to stop by wrapping it in yarn. Yet, that's what I have to do because if I let go of all the angst and rage inside that are building up because of all the pain I feel from all the events that are beyond my control I become destructive and mindless of who I hurt.
I wish I could be there right now. I wish I could watch you accept your award, I wish I could show you how proud of you I am. However, recent events have me at a point I know that I am simply not safe around people. I can barely control my temper right now because there is so much going on that I need to resolve but I can't because too much of my life is beyond my control. Some of that is my fault, some of it isn't. It doesn't really matter who is at fault and who isn't and the why though, what matters is that I know myself well enough to know when I am fit to be around other people and when I am not. Right now I really just am not.
I hate being this way. I hate knowing just how dangerous I can be. I hate knowing how easily I can go from appearing calm to raging like a bull. I hate not being able to trust myself. People like me are not really meant to be around other people. It sucks because I really like other people, but my best use would have been dying in battle long ago. I am someone who is designed to compete and that's all I really know. I don't' talk about my desire to compete often, and I do my best not to show you how insanely competitive I can be. That's why I like games that don't pit me against other people, why I like games that focus on working together instead of trying to beat each other. It keeps the competitive drive from kicking in. It allows me to focus on making the team as a whole better, helping everyone achieve.
Helping other people achieve is something I take a lot of pride in. I take pride in it because for me to set my needs aside and focus instead on someone else is me controlling my own impulses. In a way, it is the way I compete against myself. It does help that I am good at it, but it doesn't change the fact that deep inside I want to squash most people because they are wasting oxygen better spent on other things. I don't always feel that way, only when I allow my competitive drive to overtake me. While I hate being like this, I am thankful I am aware enough of who I am and how I react to things to be able to know when I should and shouldn't deal with other people.
When I say "other people" I don't mean you or your sisters. While I know I yell and can storm around a bit when I am upset, I am pretty sure you all know I won't ever hurt you. I will break glasses and yell and act like a maniac, but I won't physically harm you. However, that doesn't mean I am off the hook. I have had a problem with yelling most of your life. I know why I do it, I know what sets off those bad times for me, and I do my best to manage them, but to be honest the hardest part of it all is that people don't seem to realize I am simply not a normal person.
I know it may be hard to understand given that you see me do things with other people all the time, but what you don't see is just how much being around other people stresses me out. While I love being around them, there is always a point where someone begins to irritate me. Normally it's because they did something better than me, or think they are smarter than me (and sometimes they are) and this strange thing begins to happen where I start focusing on them more and more. I fantasize about beating them into a coma or doing something else that shows them I am a threat to their existence. I want them to know that while yes, they might be able to beat me at a board game or might be smarter than me, I am willing to take things to a level they aren't and for that reason, they need to accept my supremacy. It's horrible to hate someone as strong as I hate that person because then it begins to consume me, it's all I can think about.
I don't know if it is because of some gene that makes me like this or if it is adapted behavior I learned to survive a rather fucked up life. What I do know is that it makes me dangerous to other people and that I am capable of very real and very substantial harm if I let that monster go. That's why I don't always go to events like your induction ceremony. It's not because I don't love you. It's not because I am not supremely proud of you, it's not because I don't care. It's because I want that experience to be as magical as possible and while I know me not being there dampens it, I also know that the chances of me ruining it are great enough I am better off staying at home.
I have done my best to show up to the ones I can, and I am so very thankful Mommy seems to enjoy going to those kinds of things. I know that me saying I am proud of you is faint comfort when I am not there, and this blog post probably is me whining too much, but I had to say something because today is a very special thing. It's the day my daughter achieves something I never dreamt of achieving myself. You are about to be inducted into a select group of people. Sure, there are a lot of National Technical Honor Society members, but when it comes to the percentage of the population you are a rare person.
Congratulations kid, you achieved something pretty remarkable despite your challenges and with the fact you have to put up with a crazy dad. I love you so much and I really hope you don't ever think I am not proud of you.
I am having one of those moments I really wish I were a different person. Well, more like I wish I was just different. You are currently on your way to be inducted into the National Technical Honor Society, and I am here at home taking meds to calm down because unfortunately I have been a bit stressed out over some things lately and my nerves are at a point where I am super close to snapping. It sucks because when I am like this it's like trying to stop by wrapping it in yarn. Yet, that's what I have to do because if I let go of all the angst and rage inside that are building up because of all the pain I feel from all the events that are beyond my control I become destructive and mindless of who I hurt.
I wish I could be there right now. I wish I could watch you accept your award, I wish I could show you how proud of you I am. However, recent events have me at a point I know that I am simply not safe around people. I can barely control my temper right now because there is so much going on that I need to resolve but I can't because too much of my life is beyond my control. Some of that is my fault, some of it isn't. It doesn't really matter who is at fault and who isn't and the why though, what matters is that I know myself well enough to know when I am fit to be around other people and when I am not. Right now I really just am not.
I hate being this way. I hate knowing just how dangerous I can be. I hate knowing how easily I can go from appearing calm to raging like a bull. I hate not being able to trust myself. People like me are not really meant to be around other people. It sucks because I really like other people, but my best use would have been dying in battle long ago. I am someone who is designed to compete and that's all I really know. I don't' talk about my desire to compete often, and I do my best not to show you how insanely competitive I can be. That's why I like games that don't pit me against other people, why I like games that focus on working together instead of trying to beat each other. It keeps the competitive drive from kicking in. It allows me to focus on making the team as a whole better, helping everyone achieve.
Helping other people achieve is something I take a lot of pride in. I take pride in it because for me to set my needs aside and focus instead on someone else is me controlling my own impulses. In a way, it is the way I compete against myself. It does help that I am good at it, but it doesn't change the fact that deep inside I want to squash most people because they are wasting oxygen better spent on other things. I don't always feel that way, only when I allow my competitive drive to overtake me. While I hate being like this, I am thankful I am aware enough of who I am and how I react to things to be able to know when I should and shouldn't deal with other people.
When I say "other people" I don't mean you or your sisters. While I know I yell and can storm around a bit when I am upset, I am pretty sure you all know I won't ever hurt you. I will break glasses and yell and act like a maniac, but I won't physically harm you. However, that doesn't mean I am off the hook. I have had a problem with yelling most of your life. I know why I do it, I know what sets off those bad times for me, and I do my best to manage them, but to be honest the hardest part of it all is that people don't seem to realize I am simply not a normal person.
I know it may be hard to understand given that you see me do things with other people all the time, but what you don't see is just how much being around other people stresses me out. While I love being around them, there is always a point where someone begins to irritate me. Normally it's because they did something better than me, or think they are smarter than me (and sometimes they are) and this strange thing begins to happen where I start focusing on them more and more. I fantasize about beating them into a coma or doing something else that shows them I am a threat to their existence. I want them to know that while yes, they might be able to beat me at a board game or might be smarter than me, I am willing to take things to a level they aren't and for that reason, they need to accept my supremacy. It's horrible to hate someone as strong as I hate that person because then it begins to consume me, it's all I can think about.
I don't know if it is because of some gene that makes me like this or if it is adapted behavior I learned to survive a rather fucked up life. What I do know is that it makes me dangerous to other people and that I am capable of very real and very substantial harm if I let that monster go. That's why I don't always go to events like your induction ceremony. It's not because I don't love you. It's not because I am not supremely proud of you, it's not because I don't care. It's because I want that experience to be as magical as possible and while I know me not being there dampens it, I also know that the chances of me ruining it are great enough I am better off staying at home.
I have done my best to show up to the ones I can, and I am so very thankful Mommy seems to enjoy going to those kinds of things. I know that me saying I am proud of you is faint comfort when I am not there, and this blog post probably is me whining too much, but I had to say something because today is a very special thing. It's the day my daughter achieves something I never dreamt of achieving myself. You are about to be inducted into a select group of people. Sure, there are a lot of National Technical Honor Society members, but when it comes to the percentage of the population you are a rare person.
Congratulations kid, you achieved something pretty remarkable despite your challenges and with the fact you have to put up with a crazy dad. I love you so much and I really hope you don't ever think I am not proud of you.
Monday, February 11, 2019
Welcome to being 18
Hey Bean, It's your Dad,
I've been thinking about this project for almost eighteen years. I knew from the moment you were born that there would be a day I would have to watch you turn into an adult. I knew that no matter what I did, there would be a day where I could no longer force you to do anything you didn't want to do. That day is one month away, and I have to say, I'm pretty damn happy to see you get there. Welcome to being 18 kid, welcome to the wonderful world of adulthood. I'm glad you made it because we both know that there was a time that was in doubt. You earned the right to be here, more than most people have.
From the moment I realized that quasi-magical day we have arbitrarily decided turns a child into an adult would come, I knew I wanted to do something special for it. Something to show you how much I love you. I wanted it to be something that would give you value for the life you are entering. I wanted it to be something only I could give you. I wanted it to be something that symbolized just how unique and special you are. Well Bean, this blog is what I came up with.
This blog is going to be a journey. I'm going to share my thoughts and feelings on a variety of things. I'm hoping that during this month, I write just one thing that helps you in life. I hope I write just one thing that shows you just how much I love you. I hope you see this gift for what it is, the most personal and thoughtful gift I could give my daughter. A piece of my soul. A piece of me that no one else ever gets to have but you. Even if you share this blog, the people who read it aren't the person it was written for. No one else will ever own these words the way you do. Words may not seem like much, but in my experience, there are times when they are the only thing you have.
I haven't always had a lot in my life. I know you have heard me talk about it plenty, but one thing I did have was words. As soon as I learned to read I had a tool that could take me anywhere I wanted, let me be anything I wanted, and most importantly, teach me anything I wanted. Words, as cheap as they seem at times, are the reason we are able to pass on knowledge. With one single string of symbols, you can communicate some of the most complex concepts the human mind can imagine. It's a form of telepathy when you think about it. Right now the words I am thinking are going straight into your head and we are connecting on a level that is mystical when you think about it. Words are magic, so this is no small gift. I wouldn't do that for you on your eighteenth birthday.
Turning eighteen has to be one of the weirdest things that happen in your life. One day you are a child and have a host of protections and limits, then suddenly all those go away and you now have a nearly endless list of responsibilities and privileges. The law is pretty black and white on it, but what always tripped me out about it was that it's not like you suddenly change into someone ready to be an adult. There isn't some flash of light that fills you with knowledge and purpose, yet somehow that day makes all the difference in a life. Before it, you are someone else's responsibility, after it, you are your own responsibility. It doesn't matter if you are ready for it or not. It doesn't matter if you want it or not. It happens and there isn't a thing in the world you can do to change it.
With luck, you will have gotten enough of an idea on how to live life to be able to make it. I know your mommy and I have worked really hard to prepare you for this day. I won't promise we did the best job anyone has ever done, but I will say I think we did all right with you. While you are far from on your own, for better or worse, you are your own person now.
How do I feel about it?
To be honest Bean, I'm not near as scared as I thought I would be. That night I held you in my arms the first day of your life, I knew a fear I didn't know could exist. It's a fear I can't explain to you because it's only something a parent can really understand. However, what I thought would scare me more was the day became an adult. Yet, strangely, I don't feel all that scared. Sure, I'm scared of everything any parent is scared of, but I am not so scared I can barely tolerate the idea of you being an adult. In fact, in many ways, I welcome it.
I welcome it because I really believe you are ready for it. You're a strong person, a good person, and you don't make foolish decisions often. You're going to make mistakes, but I think you will make less than I did, and I definitely don't think you will make mistakes anywhere near as big as I did. You got a good head on your shoulders, you seem to know yourself pretty well, and you're tough. You had a lot of challenges on your way here, and they toughened you up earlier than most people. However, the thing I think you really will excel at is not making the same mistakes I did.
Most parents I know or have spoken with try to hide their mistakes from their kids. While I didn't go out of my way to say "hey Bean look how your dad fucked up." I also didn't go too far out of my way to hide my mistakes. This was intentional on my part. I think that by keeping my mistakes visible I showed you how to handle mistakes when you make them. I think that because mommy and I were honest when the family was struggling, it taught you how to handle struggle. I might be wrong, but so far you seem pretty aware of my mistakes and pretty determined not to make them. I hope I'm right, because honestly Bean, you are going to make plenty of your own mistakes, you don't need to repeat mine.
I know you don't think I am perfect and I'm glad because no one is perfect. The sooner we realize that other people are just as fallible as we are, the sooner we can get around to learning from our mistakes instead of trying to hide them. A mistake is going to happen, but trying to hide from them will always make it worse. Instead of hiding form a mistake, own up to it. Admit you screwed up, and then learn from it. The best way to show people you are sorry for a mistake is to not make it again. However, remember that while you are going to make mistakes, so is everyone else and you can learn from their mistakes too.
Human history is filled with examples of people learning from other people's mistakes. We have an ability to watch someone else do something wrong and choose to try doing it a different way. This doesn't always mean we find a better way to do it, but at least we know one way not to do it. That's why it's so important to not only understand why you made your own mistakes but also understand why other people make mistakes as well. The more you understand about mistakes the better chance you have of avoiding them. That's my thinking on the matter anyway.
I'm getting kind of tired, and have to go put the car away. I hope you enjoyed spending some time with me. I will talk to you tomorrow. I love you Bean, Welcome to 18.
Dad.
I've been thinking about this project for almost eighteen years. I knew from the moment you were born that there would be a day I would have to watch you turn into an adult. I knew that no matter what I did, there would be a day where I could no longer force you to do anything you didn't want to do. That day is one month away, and I have to say, I'm pretty damn happy to see you get there. Welcome to being 18 kid, welcome to the wonderful world of adulthood. I'm glad you made it because we both know that there was a time that was in doubt. You earned the right to be here, more than most people have.
From the moment I realized that quasi-magical day we have arbitrarily decided turns a child into an adult would come, I knew I wanted to do something special for it. Something to show you how much I love you. I wanted it to be something that would give you value for the life you are entering. I wanted it to be something only I could give you. I wanted it to be something that symbolized just how unique and special you are. Well Bean, this blog is what I came up with.
This blog is going to be a journey. I'm going to share my thoughts and feelings on a variety of things. I'm hoping that during this month, I write just one thing that helps you in life. I hope I write just one thing that shows you just how much I love you. I hope you see this gift for what it is, the most personal and thoughtful gift I could give my daughter. A piece of my soul. A piece of me that no one else ever gets to have but you. Even if you share this blog, the people who read it aren't the person it was written for. No one else will ever own these words the way you do. Words may not seem like much, but in my experience, there are times when they are the only thing you have.
I haven't always had a lot in my life. I know you have heard me talk about it plenty, but one thing I did have was words. As soon as I learned to read I had a tool that could take me anywhere I wanted, let me be anything I wanted, and most importantly, teach me anything I wanted. Words, as cheap as they seem at times, are the reason we are able to pass on knowledge. With one single string of symbols, you can communicate some of the most complex concepts the human mind can imagine. It's a form of telepathy when you think about it. Right now the words I am thinking are going straight into your head and we are connecting on a level that is mystical when you think about it. Words are magic, so this is no small gift. I wouldn't do that for you on your eighteenth birthday.
Turning eighteen has to be one of the weirdest things that happen in your life. One day you are a child and have a host of protections and limits, then suddenly all those go away and you now have a nearly endless list of responsibilities and privileges. The law is pretty black and white on it, but what always tripped me out about it was that it's not like you suddenly change into someone ready to be an adult. There isn't some flash of light that fills you with knowledge and purpose, yet somehow that day makes all the difference in a life. Before it, you are someone else's responsibility, after it, you are your own responsibility. It doesn't matter if you are ready for it or not. It doesn't matter if you want it or not. It happens and there isn't a thing in the world you can do to change it.
With luck, you will have gotten enough of an idea on how to live life to be able to make it. I know your mommy and I have worked really hard to prepare you for this day. I won't promise we did the best job anyone has ever done, but I will say I think we did all right with you. While you are far from on your own, for better or worse, you are your own person now.
How do I feel about it?
To be honest Bean, I'm not near as scared as I thought I would be. That night I held you in my arms the first day of your life, I knew a fear I didn't know could exist. It's a fear I can't explain to you because it's only something a parent can really understand. However, what I thought would scare me more was the day became an adult. Yet, strangely, I don't feel all that scared. Sure, I'm scared of everything any parent is scared of, but I am not so scared I can barely tolerate the idea of you being an adult. In fact, in many ways, I welcome it.
I welcome it because I really believe you are ready for it. You're a strong person, a good person, and you don't make foolish decisions often. You're going to make mistakes, but I think you will make less than I did, and I definitely don't think you will make mistakes anywhere near as big as I did. You got a good head on your shoulders, you seem to know yourself pretty well, and you're tough. You had a lot of challenges on your way here, and they toughened you up earlier than most people. However, the thing I think you really will excel at is not making the same mistakes I did.
Most parents I know or have spoken with try to hide their mistakes from their kids. While I didn't go out of my way to say "hey Bean look how your dad fucked up." I also didn't go too far out of my way to hide my mistakes. This was intentional on my part. I think that by keeping my mistakes visible I showed you how to handle mistakes when you make them. I think that because mommy and I were honest when the family was struggling, it taught you how to handle struggle. I might be wrong, but so far you seem pretty aware of my mistakes and pretty determined not to make them. I hope I'm right, because honestly Bean, you are going to make plenty of your own mistakes, you don't need to repeat mine.
I know you don't think I am perfect and I'm glad because no one is perfect. The sooner we realize that other people are just as fallible as we are, the sooner we can get around to learning from our mistakes instead of trying to hide them. A mistake is going to happen, but trying to hide from them will always make it worse. Instead of hiding form a mistake, own up to it. Admit you screwed up, and then learn from it. The best way to show people you are sorry for a mistake is to not make it again. However, remember that while you are going to make mistakes, so is everyone else and you can learn from their mistakes too.
Human history is filled with examples of people learning from other people's mistakes. We have an ability to watch someone else do something wrong and choose to try doing it a different way. This doesn't always mean we find a better way to do it, but at least we know one way not to do it. That's why it's so important to not only understand why you made your own mistakes but also understand why other people make mistakes as well. The more you understand about mistakes the better chance you have of avoiding them. That's my thinking on the matter anyway.
I'm getting kind of tired, and have to go put the car away. I hope you enjoyed spending some time with me. I will talk to you tomorrow. I love you Bean, Welcome to 18.
Dad.
I Did My Best to Show Up
Hey Bean, it's your Dad,
It's night two of this journey together and I have been giving thought to what I wanted to say most of the say. I probably thought of and discarded a hundred ideas and still not sure I like what I came up with. That's the way it works sometimes though, sometimes the best you can do is show up. I think most parents want to be good parents. I think most of us want to do our best to raise our kids into good people, but just because your a parent doesn't mean you don't have your share of challenges. I know I have my share of challenges and sometimes, despite wishing they didn't, those challenges got the better of me when it comes to being the kind of parent I want to be.
I know you know I love you. I know you think I am a pretty neat person. However, I hope by now you also realize that I am a flawed person. Everyone is flawed, and I'm no different. Sometimes I worry that my flaws outweigh my virtues, but overall, I think I do all right. If there is one area of my life I can point to and say I did more good than bad, it's being your father. I don't expect to ever win a father of the year award, there are better dads out there. I do, however, recognize that I did quite a few things right with you, but I think the most important thing I did was to show up.
When I say I showed up, I mean I was present in your life. I may not have made every single performance, and I may not have always been the most attentive, but I do know I was here for you. I can be grumpy and hard to approach at times, and I know I have a tendency to live in my own little world, but I hope you saw that I made an effort to show up in your life.
I probably could have made more of an effort to teach you how to ride a bike. I probably could have done a bit more with showing you how to do things like fix a car. However, I hope that the things I did do with you, the things I did teach you were enough that you don't doubt I love you. I probably could have done everything I wanted and would still feel a bit like I should have done more. However, we are getting close to that point where I have to let you go out into the world and pray I did a good enough job that you will succeed.
You are going to face your own challenges in life. You have already faced so many of them. Sometimes you will overcome your challenges, sometimes they will set you back. The important thing to remember is that you don't have a chance against any challenge if you don't at least show up. Even when it feels like the world is against you, and it will, even when you feel like you got nothing left to give, and you will, no matter how hard it gets, the one thing you absolutely must be able to do is at least show up.
I have learned a lot of lessons in my life if there is one I hope you take to heart it's this one.
I love you Bean, I know this one is a bit short, but I think it kind of fits the tone of the post. We won't be our best every single day, but that doesn't matter near as much as doing our best to show up.
It's that time of day where I go put away the car and get ready for bed. Thanks for spending a little more of your time with me. We will talk some more tomorrow.
love you Bean,
Dad
It's night two of this journey together and I have been giving thought to what I wanted to say most of the say. I probably thought of and discarded a hundred ideas and still not sure I like what I came up with. That's the way it works sometimes though, sometimes the best you can do is show up. I think most parents want to be good parents. I think most of us want to do our best to raise our kids into good people, but just because your a parent doesn't mean you don't have your share of challenges. I know I have my share of challenges and sometimes, despite wishing they didn't, those challenges got the better of me when it comes to being the kind of parent I want to be.
I know you know I love you. I know you think I am a pretty neat person. However, I hope by now you also realize that I am a flawed person. Everyone is flawed, and I'm no different. Sometimes I worry that my flaws outweigh my virtues, but overall, I think I do all right. If there is one area of my life I can point to and say I did more good than bad, it's being your father. I don't expect to ever win a father of the year award, there are better dads out there. I do, however, recognize that I did quite a few things right with you, but I think the most important thing I did was to show up.
When I say I showed up, I mean I was present in your life. I may not have made every single performance, and I may not have always been the most attentive, but I do know I was here for you. I can be grumpy and hard to approach at times, and I know I have a tendency to live in my own little world, but I hope you saw that I made an effort to show up in your life.
I probably could have made more of an effort to teach you how to ride a bike. I probably could have done a bit more with showing you how to do things like fix a car. However, I hope that the things I did do with you, the things I did teach you were enough that you don't doubt I love you. I probably could have done everything I wanted and would still feel a bit like I should have done more. However, we are getting close to that point where I have to let you go out into the world and pray I did a good enough job that you will succeed.
You are going to face your own challenges in life. You have already faced so many of them. Sometimes you will overcome your challenges, sometimes they will set you back. The important thing to remember is that you don't have a chance against any challenge if you don't at least show up. Even when it feels like the world is against you, and it will, even when you feel like you got nothing left to give, and you will, no matter how hard it gets, the one thing you absolutely must be able to do is at least show up.
I have learned a lot of lessons in my life if there is one I hope you take to heart it's this one.
I love you Bean, I know this one is a bit short, but I think it kind of fits the tone of the post. We won't be our best every single day, but that doesn't matter near as much as doing our best to show up.
It's that time of day where I go put away the car and get ready for bed. Thanks for spending a little more of your time with me. We will talk some more tomorrow.
love you Bean,
Dad
Think you Can Out Tough Me?
Hey Bean, it's your Dad,
We are on day three of this particular journey and I have to say it's not turning out the way I wanted. I'm not really sure how I wanted this to turn out, but I think somewhere in the back of my head I wanted to be able to give you earth-shattering advice and epic insight every day. However, that's not what's happening. Instead, I find myself wanting to talk to you about things that seem simple. I want to tell you about my day, share something funny with you, or even just tell you I love you. At first, I felt a bit disappointed in myself. If there is someone I should be able to amaze with my wit and wisdom it should be my oldest daughter, but that's not what's happening. Instead of this blog being something you would find in the feel-good section of a book store, it's something a bit more real, a bit more honest, and a lot more you.
You've never been one for bold proclamations or intense action. You have always been someone who spends a lot of time thinking about things, and you are always yourself. Not a lot of people can manage that the way you do. When I think of you, which I do often, I think of someone who is sturdy, practical, and wiser than most her age. I think life has had a hand in shaping you, and while I do sometimes worry you take things a bit too seriously, I understand why you do. I understand just how precious each moment must be to you. How the idea of wasting time on things that don't matter has kind of had to become a central part of your life.
You have a unique perspective on life and one of those things I think you have learned is that there is a lot of value in the everyday things of life. Most of us take every day things for granted. I take the fact that mommy will get up and go to work for granted. I take the fact that my kids will walk to school and do well there for granted. I don't mean to take these things for granted, and I really shouldn't take these things for granted, but I do.
It gets easy to take things for granted when you are in a good situation. We don't have to worry about a place to live, food in our bellies, or even having a bit of money for fun things. When I have that for long enough I get to a point where I forget that not only have I not always had it but how rare it is. Not having to worry about your next meal is a privilege most of the world doesn't have. For you, the privilege you don't have is knowing when cancer might come back. That has to be terrifying for you when you let yourself think about it. I know it is for me. Yet, while it's scary, it also has a benefit.
I know it might seem weird to look at your cancer as a benefit, I know it took me a long time to see it that way. However, if you think about it right, if you really try to find the good in everything, then you can find the good in your cancer. You know that you can't count on the next day the same way other people can. You can't change that fact, I can't change that fact, No one can change that fact. However, instead of letting it make you feel powerless, you can make it a strength.
When I stop and think about how lucky I am to have you in my life, how close we came and always are to losing you, I can either moan and whine about how unfair it is, or I can accept what I can't change and use it to appreciate what I do have all the more. I have loved watching you grow and change and become your own person. The fact you are on your way to being a successful person despite all your challenges fills me with so much pride. Bean, people as tough as you, and as strong as you are few and far between. I have learned so many lessons from you on so many things.
Out of all the lessons I have learned from you it's that it's okay to appreciate the every day. Not every day has to be epic and exciting. Not every day has to be perfect. Not every day has to be special because the every day is special enough. Listening to you play a video game in the family room while I write. Peeking in on you in you at night before I go to bed. Seeing you roll your eyes when you hear me say something stupid. All those things are special, all those things should be appreciated. I'm glad I have those moments because some days, those things are what keep me going when I want to give up.
I will be honest with you Bean, I struggle with life sometimes. I struggle with everyday shit like getting out of bed. I wish I didn't, I wish I could change that about myself, but I can't. However, watching you take on your challenge with bravery and grace that would make the gods weep in pride of the beauty you posesses, makes me realize I can do a lot more than I think I can.
I get out of bed every single day even when I don't want to. I make myself do something productive every single day even if I don't want to. I push myself to be a better person every single day even if I don't want to. I do it because I will be damned if my daughter is going to out tough me. I know that you think I am tough, I know that you admire me and look up to me. I know this and I know that if I can show you how tough I can be, you are going to bust your ass to show me you can be just as tough. You are a stubborn child and you have challenged me since the day you were born and I am thankful you did.
You make me want to be a better person Bean, you amaze me in a thousand different ways. I know that I can have you at my back and you will go down swinging with everything you got. I know you are going to go out into your life and give it all you got too. After all, you won't ever let me out tough you, will you Bean?
We are on day three of this particular journey and I have to say it's not turning out the way I wanted. I'm not really sure how I wanted this to turn out, but I think somewhere in the back of my head I wanted to be able to give you earth-shattering advice and epic insight every day. However, that's not what's happening. Instead, I find myself wanting to talk to you about things that seem simple. I want to tell you about my day, share something funny with you, or even just tell you I love you. At first, I felt a bit disappointed in myself. If there is someone I should be able to amaze with my wit and wisdom it should be my oldest daughter, but that's not what's happening. Instead of this blog being something you would find in the feel-good section of a book store, it's something a bit more real, a bit more honest, and a lot more you.
You've never been one for bold proclamations or intense action. You have always been someone who spends a lot of time thinking about things, and you are always yourself. Not a lot of people can manage that the way you do. When I think of you, which I do often, I think of someone who is sturdy, practical, and wiser than most her age. I think life has had a hand in shaping you, and while I do sometimes worry you take things a bit too seriously, I understand why you do. I understand just how precious each moment must be to you. How the idea of wasting time on things that don't matter has kind of had to become a central part of your life.
You have a unique perspective on life and one of those things I think you have learned is that there is a lot of value in the everyday things of life. Most of us take every day things for granted. I take the fact that mommy will get up and go to work for granted. I take the fact that my kids will walk to school and do well there for granted. I don't mean to take these things for granted, and I really shouldn't take these things for granted, but I do.
It gets easy to take things for granted when you are in a good situation. We don't have to worry about a place to live, food in our bellies, or even having a bit of money for fun things. When I have that for long enough I get to a point where I forget that not only have I not always had it but how rare it is. Not having to worry about your next meal is a privilege most of the world doesn't have. For you, the privilege you don't have is knowing when cancer might come back. That has to be terrifying for you when you let yourself think about it. I know it is for me. Yet, while it's scary, it also has a benefit.
I know it might seem weird to look at your cancer as a benefit, I know it took me a long time to see it that way. However, if you think about it right, if you really try to find the good in everything, then you can find the good in your cancer. You know that you can't count on the next day the same way other people can. You can't change that fact, I can't change that fact, No one can change that fact. However, instead of letting it make you feel powerless, you can make it a strength.
When I stop and think about how lucky I am to have you in my life, how close we came and always are to losing you, I can either moan and whine about how unfair it is, or I can accept what I can't change and use it to appreciate what I do have all the more. I have loved watching you grow and change and become your own person. The fact you are on your way to being a successful person despite all your challenges fills me with so much pride. Bean, people as tough as you, and as strong as you are few and far between. I have learned so many lessons from you on so many things.
Out of all the lessons I have learned from you it's that it's okay to appreciate the every day. Not every day has to be epic and exciting. Not every day has to be perfect. Not every day has to be special because the every day is special enough. Listening to you play a video game in the family room while I write. Peeking in on you in you at night before I go to bed. Seeing you roll your eyes when you hear me say something stupid. All those things are special, all those things should be appreciated. I'm glad I have those moments because some days, those things are what keep me going when I want to give up.
I will be honest with you Bean, I struggle with life sometimes. I struggle with everyday shit like getting out of bed. I wish I didn't, I wish I could change that about myself, but I can't. However, watching you take on your challenge with bravery and grace that would make the gods weep in pride of the beauty you posesses, makes me realize I can do a lot more than I think I can.
I get out of bed every single day even when I don't want to. I make myself do something productive every single day even if I don't want to. I push myself to be a better person every single day even if I don't want to. I do it because I will be damned if my daughter is going to out tough me. I know that you think I am tough, I know that you admire me and look up to me. I know this and I know that if I can show you how tough I can be, you are going to bust your ass to show me you can be just as tough. You are a stubborn child and you have challenged me since the day you were born and I am thankful you did.
You make me want to be a better person Bean, you amaze me in a thousand different ways. I know that I can have you at my back and you will go down swinging with everything you got. I know you are going to go out into your life and give it all you got too. After all, you won't ever let me out tough you, will you Bean?
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