Think you Can Out Tough Me?

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

We are on day three of this particular journey and I have to say it's not turning out the way I wanted. I'm not really sure how I wanted this to turn out, but I think somewhere in the back of my head I wanted to be able to give you earth-shattering advice and epic insight every day. However, that's not what's happening. Instead, I find myself wanting to talk to you about things that seem simple. I want to tell you about my day, share something funny with you, or even just tell you I love you. At first, I felt a bit disappointed in myself. If there is someone I should be able to amaze with my wit and wisdom it should be my oldest daughter, but that's not what's happening. Instead of this blog being something you would find in the feel-good section of a book store,  it's something a bit more real, a bit more honest, and a lot more you.

You've never been one for bold proclamations or intense action. You have always been someone who spends a lot of time thinking about things, and you are always yourself. Not a lot of people can manage that the way you do. When I  think of you, which I do often, I think of someone who is sturdy, practical, and wiser than most her age. I think life has had a hand in shaping you, and while I do sometimes worry you take things a bit too seriously, I understand why you do. I understand just how precious each moment must be to you. How the idea of wasting time on things that don't matter has kind of had to become a central part of your life.

You have a unique perspective on life and one of those things I think you have learned is that there is a lot of value in the everyday things of life. Most of us take every day things for granted. I take the fact that mommy will get up and go to work for granted. I take the fact that my kids will walk to school and do well there for granted. I don't mean to take these things for granted, and I really shouldn't take these things for granted, but I do.

It gets easy to take things for granted when you are in a good situation. We don't have to worry about a place to live, food in our bellies, or even having a bit of money for fun things. When I have that for long enough I get to a point where I forget that not only have I not always had it but how rare it is. Not having to worry about your next meal is a privilege most of the world doesn't have. For you, the privilege you don't have is knowing when cancer might come back. That has to be terrifying for you when you let yourself think about it. I know it is for me. Yet, while it's scary, it also has a benefit.

I know it might seem weird to look at your cancer as a benefit, I know it took me a long time to see it that way. However, if you think about it right, if you really try to find the good in everything, then you can find the good in your cancer. You know that you can't count on the next day the same way other people can. You can't change that fact, I can't change that fact, No one can change that fact. However, instead of letting it make you feel powerless, you can make it a strength.

When I stop and think about how lucky I am to have you in my life, how close we came and always are to losing you, I can either moan and whine about how unfair it is,  or I can accept what I can't change and use it to appreciate what I do have all the more. I have loved watching you grow and change and become your own person. The fact you are on your way to being a successful person despite all your challenges fills me with so much pride. Bean, people as tough as you, and as strong as you are few and far between. I have learned so many lessons from you on so many things.

Out of all the lessons I have learned from you it's that it's okay to appreciate the every day. Not every day has to be epic and exciting. Not every day has to be perfect. Not every day has to be special because the every day is special enough. Listening to you play a video game in the family room while I write. Peeking in on you in you at night before I go to bed. Seeing you roll your eyes when you hear me say something stupid. All those things are special, all those things should be appreciated. I'm glad I have those moments because some days, those things are what keep me going when I want to give up.

I will be honest with you Bean, I struggle with life sometimes. I struggle with everyday shit like getting out of bed. I wish I didn't, I wish I could change that about myself, but I can't.  However, watching you take on your challenge with bravery and grace that would make the gods weep in pride of the beauty you posesses, makes me realize I can do a lot more than I think I can.

I get out of bed every single day even when I don't want to. I make myself do something productive every single day even if I don't want to. I push myself to be a better person every single day even if I don't want to. I do it because I will be damned if my daughter is going to out tough me. I know that you think I am tough, I know that you admire me and look up to me. I know this and I know that if I can show you how tough I can be, you are going to bust your ass to show me you can be just as tough. You are a stubborn child and you have challenged me since the day you were born and I am thankful you did.

You make me want to be a better person Bean, you amaze me in a thousand different ways. I know that I can have you at my back and you will go down swinging with everything you got. I know you are going to go out into your life and give it all you got too. After all, you won't ever let me out tough you, will you Bean?