Welcome to being 18

Hey Bean, It's your Dad,

I've been thinking about this project for almost eighteen years. I knew from the moment you were born that there would be a day I would have to watch you turn into an adult. I knew that no matter what I did, there would be a day where I could no longer force you to do anything you didn't want to do. That day is one month away, and I have to say, I'm pretty damn happy to see you get there. Welcome to being 18 kid, welcome to the wonderful world of adulthood. I'm glad you made it because we both know that there was a time that was in doubt.  You earned the right to be here, more than most people have.

From the moment I realized that quasi-magical day we have arbitrarily decided turns a child into an adult would come, I knew I wanted to do something special for it. Something to show you how much I love you. I wanted it to be something that would give you value for the life you are entering. I wanted it to be something only I could give you. I wanted it to be something that symbolized just how unique and special you are. Well Bean, this blog is what I came up with.

This blog is going to be a journey. I'm going to share my thoughts and feelings on a variety of things. I'm hoping that during this month, I write just one thing that helps you in life. I hope I write just one thing that shows you just how much I love you. I hope you see this gift for what it is, the most personal and thoughtful gift I could give my daughter. A piece of my soul. A piece of me that no one else ever gets to have but you. Even if you share this blog, the people who read it aren't the person it was written for. No one else will ever own these words the way you do. Words may not seem like much, but in my experience, there are times when they are the only thing you have.

I haven't always had a lot in my life. I know you have heard me talk about it plenty, but one thing I did have was words. As soon as I learned to read I had a tool that could take me anywhere I wanted, let me be anything I wanted, and most importantly, teach me anything I wanted. Words, as cheap as they seem at times, are the reason we are able to pass on knowledge. With one single string of symbols, you can communicate some of the most complex concepts the human mind can imagine. It's a form of telepathy when you think about it. Right now the words I am thinking are going straight into your head and we are connecting on a level that is mystical when you think about it. Words are magic, so this is no small gift. I wouldn't do that for you on your eighteenth birthday.

Turning eighteen has to be one of the weirdest things that happen in your life. One day you are a child and have a host of protections and limits, then suddenly all those go away and you now have a nearly endless list of responsibilities and privileges. The law is pretty black and white on it, but what always tripped me out about it was that it's not like you suddenly change into someone ready to be an adult. There isn't some flash of light that fills you with knowledge and purpose, yet somehow that day makes all the difference in a life. Before it, you are someone else's responsibility, after it, you are your own responsibility. It doesn't matter if you are ready for it or not. It doesn't matter if you want it or not. It happens and there isn't a thing in the world you can do to change it.

With luck, you will have gotten enough of an idea on how to live life to be able to make it. I know your mommy and I have worked really hard to prepare you for this day. I won't promise we did the best job anyone has ever done, but I will say I think we did all right with you. While you are far from on your own, for better or worse, you are your own person now.

How do I feel about it?

To be honest Bean, I'm not near as scared as I thought I would be. That night I held you in my arms the first day of your life, I knew a fear I didn't know could exist. It's a fear I can't explain to you because it's only something a parent can really understand. However, what I thought would scare me more was the day became an adult. Yet, strangely, I don't feel all that scared. Sure, I'm scared of everything any parent is scared of, but I am not so scared I can barely tolerate the idea of you being an adult. In fact, in many ways, I  welcome it.

I welcome it because I really believe you are ready for it. You're a strong person, a good person, and you don't make foolish decisions often. You're going to make mistakes, but I think you will make less than I did, and I definitely don't think you will make mistakes anywhere near as big as I did. You got a good head on your shoulders, you seem to know yourself pretty well, and you're tough. You had a lot of challenges on your way here, and they toughened you up earlier than most people. However, the thing I think you really will excel at is not making the same mistakes I did.

Most parents I know or have spoken with try to hide their mistakes from their kids. While I didn't go out of my way to say "hey Bean look how your dad fucked up." I also didn't go too far out of my way to hide my mistakes. This was intentional on my part. I think that by keeping my mistakes visible I showed you how to handle mistakes when you make them. I think that because mommy and I were honest when the family was struggling, it taught you how to handle struggle. I might be wrong, but so far you seem pretty aware of my mistakes and pretty determined not to make them. I hope I'm right, because honestly Bean, you are going to make plenty of your own mistakes, you don't need to repeat mine.

I know you don't think I am perfect and I'm glad because no one is perfect. The sooner we realize that other people are just as fallible as we are, the sooner we can get around to learning from our mistakes instead of trying to hide them. A mistake is going to happen, but trying to hide from them will always make it worse. Instead of hiding form a mistake, own up to it. Admit you screwed up, and then learn from it. The best way to show people you are sorry for a mistake is to not make it again. However, remember that while you are going to make mistakes, so is everyone else and you can learn from their mistakes too.

Human history is filled with examples of people learning from other people's mistakes. We have an ability to watch someone else do something wrong and choose to try doing it a different way. This doesn't always mean we find a better way to do it, but at least we know one way not to do it. That's why it's so important to not only understand why you made your own mistakes but also understand why other people make mistakes as well. The more you understand about mistakes the better chance you have of avoiding them. That's my thinking on the matter anyway.

I'm getting kind of tired, and have to go put the car away. I hope you enjoyed spending some time with me. I will talk to you tomorrow. I love you Bean, Welcome to 18.

Dad.