Don't ever think I am not proud of you...

Hey Bean, It's your Dad,

I am having one of those moments I really wish I were a different person. Well, more like I wish I was just different. You are currently on your way to be inducted into the National Technical Honor Society, and I am here at home taking meds to calm down because unfortunately I have been a bit stressed out over some things lately and my nerves are at a point where I am super close to snapping. It sucks because when I am like this it's like trying to stop by wrapping it in yarn. Yet, that's what I have to do because if I let go of all the angst and rage inside that are building up because of all the pain I feel from all the events that are beyond my control I become destructive and mindless of who I hurt.

I wish I could be there right now. I wish I could watch you accept your award, I wish I could show you how proud of you I am. However, recent events have me at a point I know that I am simply not safe around people. I can barely control my temper right now because there is so much going on that I need to resolve but I can't because too much of my life is beyond my control. Some of that is my fault, some of it isn't. It doesn't really matter who is at fault and who isn't and the why though, what matters is that I know myself well enough to know when I am fit to be around other people and when I am not. Right now I really just am not.

I hate being this way. I hate knowing just how dangerous I can be. I hate knowing how easily I can go from appearing calm to raging like a bull. I hate not being able to trust myself. People like me are not really meant to be around other people. It sucks because I really like other people, but my best use would have been dying in battle long ago. I am someone who is designed to compete and that's all I really know. I don't' talk about my desire to compete often, and I do my best not to show you how insanely competitive I can be. That's why I like games that don't pit me against other people, why I like games that focus on working together instead of trying to beat each other. It keeps the competitive drive from kicking in. It allows me to focus on making the team as a whole better, helping everyone achieve.

Helping other people achieve is something I take a lot of pride in. I take pride in it because for me to set my needs aside and focus instead on someone else is me controlling my own impulses. In a way, it is the way I compete against myself. It does help that I am good at it, but it doesn't change the fact that deep inside I want to squash most people because they are wasting oxygen better spent on other things. I don't always feel that way, only when I allow my competitive drive to overtake me. While I hate being like this, I am thankful I am aware enough of who I am and how I react to things to be able to know when I should and shouldn't deal with other people.

When I say "other people" I don't mean you or your sisters. While I know I yell and can storm around a bit when I am upset, I am pretty sure you all know I won't ever hurt you. I will break glasses and yell and act like a maniac, but I won't physically harm you. However, that doesn't mean I am off the hook. I have had a problem with yelling most of your life. I know why I do it, I know what sets off those bad times for me, and I do my best to manage them, but to be honest the hardest part of it all is that people don't seem to realize I am simply not a normal person.

I know it may be hard to understand given that you see me do things with other people all the time, but what you don't see is just how much being around other people stresses me out. While I love being around them, there is always a point where someone begins to irritate me. Normally it's because they did something better than me, or think they are smarter than me (and sometimes they are) and this strange thing begins to happen where I start focusing on them more and more. I fantasize about beating them into a coma or doing something else that shows them I am a threat to their existence. I want them to know that while yes, they might be able to beat me at a board game or might be smarter than me, I am willing to take things to a level they aren't and for that reason, they need to accept my supremacy. It's horrible to hate someone as strong as I hate that person because then it begins to consume me, it's all I can think about.

I don't know if it is because of some gene that makes me like this or if it is adapted behavior I learned to survive a rather fucked up life. What I do know is that it makes me dangerous to other people and that I am capable of very real and very substantial harm if I let that monster go. That's why I don't always go to events like your induction ceremony. It's not because I don't love you. It's not because I am not supremely proud of you, it's not because I don't care. It's because I want that experience to be as magical as possible and while I know me not being there dampens it, I also know that the chances of me ruining it are great enough I am better off staying at home.

I have done my best to show up to the ones I can, and I am so very thankful Mommy seems to enjoy going to those kinds of things. I know that me saying I am proud of you is faint comfort when I am not there, and this blog post probably is me whining too much, but I had to say something because today is a very special thing. It's the day my daughter achieves something I never dreamt of achieving myself. You are about to be inducted into a select group of people. Sure, there are a lot of National Technical Honor Society members, but when it comes to the percentage of the population you are a rare person.

Congratulations kid, you achieved something pretty remarkable despite your challenges and with the fact you have to put up with a crazy dad. I love you so much and I really hope you don't ever think I am not proud of you.

Welcome to being 18

Hey Bean, It's your Dad,

I've been thinking about this project for almost eighteen years. I knew from the moment you were born that there would be a day I would have to watch you turn into an adult. I knew that no matter what I did, there would be a day where I could no longer force you to do anything you didn't want to do. That day is one month away, and I have to say, I'm pretty damn happy to see you get there. Welcome to being 18 kid, welcome to the wonderful world of adulthood. I'm glad you made it because we both know that there was a time that was in doubt.  You earned the right to be here, more than most people have.

From the moment I realized that quasi-magical day we have arbitrarily decided turns a child into an adult would come, I knew I wanted to do something special for it. Something to show you how much I love you. I wanted it to be something that would give you value for the life you are entering. I wanted it to be something only I could give you. I wanted it to be something that symbolized just how unique and special you are. Well Bean, this blog is what I came up with.

This blog is going to be a journey. I'm going to share my thoughts and feelings on a variety of things. I'm hoping that during this month, I write just one thing that helps you in life. I hope I write just one thing that shows you just how much I love you. I hope you see this gift for what it is, the most personal and thoughtful gift I could give my daughter. A piece of my soul. A piece of me that no one else ever gets to have but you. Even if you share this blog, the people who read it aren't the person it was written for. No one else will ever own these words the way you do. Words may not seem like much, but in my experience, there are times when they are the only thing you have.

I haven't always had a lot in my life. I know you have heard me talk about it plenty, but one thing I did have was words. As soon as I learned to read I had a tool that could take me anywhere I wanted, let me be anything I wanted, and most importantly, teach me anything I wanted. Words, as cheap as they seem at times, are the reason we are able to pass on knowledge. With one single string of symbols, you can communicate some of the most complex concepts the human mind can imagine. It's a form of telepathy when you think about it. Right now the words I am thinking are going straight into your head and we are connecting on a level that is mystical when you think about it. Words are magic, so this is no small gift. I wouldn't do that for you on your eighteenth birthday.

Turning eighteen has to be one of the weirdest things that happen in your life. One day you are a child and have a host of protections and limits, then suddenly all those go away and you now have a nearly endless list of responsibilities and privileges. The law is pretty black and white on it, but what always tripped me out about it was that it's not like you suddenly change into someone ready to be an adult. There isn't some flash of light that fills you with knowledge and purpose, yet somehow that day makes all the difference in a life. Before it, you are someone else's responsibility, after it, you are your own responsibility. It doesn't matter if you are ready for it or not. It doesn't matter if you want it or not. It happens and there isn't a thing in the world you can do to change it.

With luck, you will have gotten enough of an idea on how to live life to be able to make it. I know your mommy and I have worked really hard to prepare you for this day. I won't promise we did the best job anyone has ever done, but I will say I think we did all right with you. While you are far from on your own, for better or worse, you are your own person now.

How do I feel about it?

To be honest Bean, I'm not near as scared as I thought I would be. That night I held you in my arms the first day of your life, I knew a fear I didn't know could exist. It's a fear I can't explain to you because it's only something a parent can really understand. However, what I thought would scare me more was the day became an adult. Yet, strangely, I don't feel all that scared. Sure, I'm scared of everything any parent is scared of, but I am not so scared I can barely tolerate the idea of you being an adult. In fact, in many ways, I  welcome it.

I welcome it because I really believe you are ready for it. You're a strong person, a good person, and you don't make foolish decisions often. You're going to make mistakes, but I think you will make less than I did, and I definitely don't think you will make mistakes anywhere near as big as I did. You got a good head on your shoulders, you seem to know yourself pretty well, and you're tough. You had a lot of challenges on your way here, and they toughened you up earlier than most people. However, the thing I think you really will excel at is not making the same mistakes I did.

Most parents I know or have spoken with try to hide their mistakes from their kids. While I didn't go out of my way to say "hey Bean look how your dad fucked up." I also didn't go too far out of my way to hide my mistakes. This was intentional on my part. I think that by keeping my mistakes visible I showed you how to handle mistakes when you make them. I think that because mommy and I were honest when the family was struggling, it taught you how to handle struggle. I might be wrong, but so far you seem pretty aware of my mistakes and pretty determined not to make them. I hope I'm right, because honestly Bean, you are going to make plenty of your own mistakes, you don't need to repeat mine.

I know you don't think I am perfect and I'm glad because no one is perfect. The sooner we realize that other people are just as fallible as we are, the sooner we can get around to learning from our mistakes instead of trying to hide them. A mistake is going to happen, but trying to hide from them will always make it worse. Instead of hiding form a mistake, own up to it. Admit you screwed up, and then learn from it. The best way to show people you are sorry for a mistake is to not make it again. However, remember that while you are going to make mistakes, so is everyone else and you can learn from their mistakes too.

Human history is filled with examples of people learning from other people's mistakes. We have an ability to watch someone else do something wrong and choose to try doing it a different way. This doesn't always mean we find a better way to do it, but at least we know one way not to do it. That's why it's so important to not only understand why you made your own mistakes but also understand why other people make mistakes as well. The more you understand about mistakes the better chance you have of avoiding them. That's my thinking on the matter anyway.

I'm getting kind of tired, and have to go put the car away. I hope you enjoyed spending some time with me. I will talk to you tomorrow. I love you Bean, Welcome to 18.

Dad.

I Did My Best to Show Up

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

It's night two of this journey together and I  have been giving thought to what I wanted to say most of the say. I probably thought of and discarded a hundred ideas and still not sure I like what I came up with. That's the way it works sometimes though, sometimes the best you can do is show up. I think most parents want to be good parents. I think most of us want to do our best to raise our kids into good people, but just because your a parent doesn't mean you don't have your share of challenges. I know I have my share of challenges and sometimes, despite wishing they didn't, those challenges got the better of me when it comes to being the kind of parent I want to be.

I know you know I love you. I know you think I am a pretty neat person. However, I hope by now you also realize that I am a flawed person. Everyone is flawed, and I'm no different. Sometimes I worry that my flaws outweigh my virtues, but overall, I think I do all right. If there is one area of my life I can point to and say I did more good than bad, it's being your father. I don't expect to ever win a father of the year award, there are better dads out there. I do, however, recognize that I did quite a few things right with you, but I think the most important thing I did was to show up.

When I say I showed up, I mean I was present in your life. I may not have made every single performance, and I may not have always been the most attentive, but I do know I was here for you. I can be grumpy and hard to approach at times, and I know I have a tendency to live in my own little world, but I hope you saw that I made an effort to show up in your life.

I probably could have made more of an effort to teach you how to ride a bike. I probably could have done a bit more with showing you how to do things like fix a car. However, I hope that the things I did do with you, the things I did teach you were enough that you don't doubt I love you. I probably could have done everything I wanted and would still feel a bit like I should have done more. However, we are getting close to that point where I have to let you go out into the world and pray I did a good enough job that you will succeed.

You are going to face your own challenges in life. You have already faced so many of them. Sometimes you will overcome your challenges, sometimes they will set you back. The important thing to remember is that you don't have a chance against any challenge if you don't at least show up. Even when it feels like the world is against you, and it will, even when you feel like you got nothing left to give, and you will, no matter how hard it gets, the one thing you absolutely must be able to do is at least show up.

I have learned a lot of lessons in my life if there is one I hope you take to heart it's this one.

I love you Bean, I know this one is a bit short, but I think it kind of fits the tone of the post. We won't be our best every single day, but that doesn't matter near as much as doing our best to show up.

It's that time of day where I go put away the car and get ready for bed. Thanks for spending a little more of your time with me. We will talk some more tomorrow.

 love you Bean,

Dad

Think you Can Out Tough Me?

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

We are on day three of this particular journey and I have to say it's not turning out the way I wanted. I'm not really sure how I wanted this to turn out, but I think somewhere in the back of my head I wanted to be able to give you earth-shattering advice and epic insight every day. However, that's not what's happening. Instead, I find myself wanting to talk to you about things that seem simple. I want to tell you about my day, share something funny with you, or even just tell you I love you. At first, I felt a bit disappointed in myself. If there is someone I should be able to amaze with my wit and wisdom it should be my oldest daughter, but that's not what's happening. Instead of this blog being something you would find in the feel-good section of a book store,  it's something a bit more real, a bit more honest, and a lot more you.

You've never been one for bold proclamations or intense action. You have always been someone who spends a lot of time thinking about things, and you are always yourself. Not a lot of people can manage that the way you do. When I  think of you, which I do often, I think of someone who is sturdy, practical, and wiser than most her age. I think life has had a hand in shaping you, and while I do sometimes worry you take things a bit too seriously, I understand why you do. I understand just how precious each moment must be to you. How the idea of wasting time on things that don't matter has kind of had to become a central part of your life.

You have a unique perspective on life and one of those things I think you have learned is that there is a lot of value in the everyday things of life. Most of us take every day things for granted. I take the fact that mommy will get up and go to work for granted. I take the fact that my kids will walk to school and do well there for granted. I don't mean to take these things for granted, and I really shouldn't take these things for granted, but I do.

It gets easy to take things for granted when you are in a good situation. We don't have to worry about a place to live, food in our bellies, or even having a bit of money for fun things. When I have that for long enough I get to a point where I forget that not only have I not always had it but how rare it is. Not having to worry about your next meal is a privilege most of the world doesn't have. For you, the privilege you don't have is knowing when cancer might come back. That has to be terrifying for you when you let yourself think about it. I know it is for me. Yet, while it's scary, it also has a benefit.

I know it might seem weird to look at your cancer as a benefit, I know it took me a long time to see it that way. However, if you think about it right, if you really try to find the good in everything, then you can find the good in your cancer. You know that you can't count on the next day the same way other people can. You can't change that fact, I can't change that fact, No one can change that fact. However, instead of letting it make you feel powerless, you can make it a strength.

When I stop and think about how lucky I am to have you in my life, how close we came and always are to losing you, I can either moan and whine about how unfair it is,  or I can accept what I can't change and use it to appreciate what I do have all the more. I have loved watching you grow and change and become your own person. The fact you are on your way to being a successful person despite all your challenges fills me with so much pride. Bean, people as tough as you, and as strong as you are few and far between. I have learned so many lessons from you on so many things.

Out of all the lessons I have learned from you it's that it's okay to appreciate the every day. Not every day has to be epic and exciting. Not every day has to be perfect. Not every day has to be special because the every day is special enough. Listening to you play a video game in the family room while I write. Peeking in on you in you at night before I go to bed. Seeing you roll your eyes when you hear me say something stupid. All those things are special, all those things should be appreciated. I'm glad I have those moments because some days, those things are what keep me going when I want to give up.

I will be honest with you Bean, I struggle with life sometimes. I struggle with everyday shit like getting out of bed. I wish I didn't, I wish I could change that about myself, but I can't.  However, watching you take on your challenge with bravery and grace that would make the gods weep in pride of the beauty you posesses, makes me realize I can do a lot more than I think I can.

I get out of bed every single day even when I don't want to. I make myself do something productive every single day even if I don't want to. I push myself to be a better person every single day even if I don't want to. I do it because I will be damned if my daughter is going to out tough me. I know that you think I am tough, I know that you admire me and look up to me. I know this and I know that if I can show you how tough I can be, you are going to bust your ass to show me you can be just as tough. You are a stubborn child and you have challenged me since the day you were born and I am thankful you did.

You make me want to be a better person Bean, you amaze me in a thousand different ways. I know that I can have you at my back and you will go down swinging with everything you got. I know you are going to go out into your life and give it all you got too. After all, you won't ever let me out tough you, will you Bean?

The Best Intentions...

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

It's day number four of this journey. I am actually getting to this post a bit earlier than usual. I doubt I will write it all in one sitting, I seldom finish anything I write in one sitting when I am putting real effort into it. However, I'm starting now because I have a few moments and I want to make sure that I make time for this project. Right now, it's still pretty easy to do because of the excitement of my "BEST IDEA EVER!" still being pretty strong. I know at some point I will have a day where I don't want to write, I always have those days, most of the time I push through them, but every so often the desire to not do is greater than the desire to do. If I'm honest with myself, my desire to not do happens a lot more often than my desire to do.

It's not that I have a problem with starting things or coming up with really good ideas. No, my biggest problem is seeing an idea through to completion. I've probably started writing at least fifty books and out of all those attempts, I have only finished one. I keep telling myself I will go back to it, polish it up, but I never do. I always have a new, even better idea. Whether it's for a book or a new way to make money, I am always jumping from one idea to the next. I know that has to be frustrating for you at times, and I often wish I was a bit different. I get a bit tired of never seeing an idea through to completion and I have gotten better about it.

I have gotten better at it because I have made a conscious effort to be better about it. I recognized that I don't see things through very well, figured out why I don't and made adjustments to how I approach things. Instead of worrying about making everything the most awesome thing ever, I worry about staying steady with it. I focus on doing the things I need to do every day. If I make sure that I make time every single time for something and I stick to using that time right, I see progress. As I see progress, I am motivated to keep going. As I keep going I see more progress. It's a good cycle for me to be in. I still get knocked out of it to easy, but I am finding my way back to it quicker each time.

When I was growing up I was always told that I had the best intentions but sucked at seeing things through. I was always told how much talent I had and how I was wasting it. I didn't really hear it then but I sure hear it now. I don't regret my life, there isn't a point to it, but I do wonder who I would be if I had been a bit better with follow through. If I had managed to create the discipline to control the passion inside I think I could have accomplished some neat things. I still have done some really neat things in life, I have a very interesting life story compared to most, but doesn't stop me from wondering what if at times.

Unfortunately, you have kind of been on the receiving end of that a few times yourself. I get all excited by an idea, then it kind of peters out. If there is one single thing I would change about how I parented you it would be that I saw more things through. It's not that I don't love you, I do, it's a fault in me somewhere and one I haven't done enough work on. I work on it now, and I hope you see that as time goes on, but for now, the best I have to offer is an apology.

I'm not sure this is the direction I meant this post to go, but it's the direction it went. Not sure why I feel such a need to self reflect while I write to you, but I do. I guess I want you to see how I do it, I want you to gain some value from lessons I have learned. I want you to see me as honestly as anyone can see me. I hope it's not to much for you Bean, I hope that doing this is the right thing.

Guess we will find out, and it was started out with the best intentions...

Love you Bean,

Dad.

No, I Didn't go to the Store Today

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

Today I was going to go to the grocery store. Mommy and I tried to go yesterday but she forgot her card and so we didn't go. The reason I didn't go today is that I had a plan to leave the house at noon, head to the grocery store, then come home and be home in time for Mommy to take the car to work. Instead of that happening, I was asked to grab lunch for everyone, take Jasmine to school and then pick Mommy up from the school so she could go to her other job. This left me short of time, I could have probably made it, but to be honest, I didn't feel a strong enough need. Sure we could use a few things like eggs, milk, cheese, and the like, but we are not even close to being out of food. If you need something to eat it's there, but if you truly want to go get something else, you can.

From the outside, I think a lot of people would think this is neglect, but it isn't. You are cared for. You have food available, you have the skills to make it, you have access to resources to get different food if you want it. All those things are within your ability to do, and part of what I hope you learn before you leave the house is that you not only can do it, but you will have to do it when you are on your own.

When you are on your own you won't be able to ask me to go to the store for you. When you are on your own you won't be able to rely on me to cook your meals. When you are on your own you will have to be able to take care of yourself. That is what the crux of my parenting has been about. Making sure you are capable of caring for yourself when you decide to leave home and find your own path in life. Unlike a lot of parents, I am not trying to hide from this fact. I know that the world is a dangerous place. I know you will have to spend time learning how to make it on your own. However, I don't help you by doing everything for you. If I did everything for you while you were living with us, you wouldn't have a chance to develop so many life skills that are necessary for adult life. I know that I wasn't taught a lot of things, and because of that, I had a lot I had to learn.

I had a lot to learn because, from the time I was 15 years old until I was 23 years old, I was in and out of institutions. Whether it was a boy's home, a youth detention center, a mental health facility or prison, I spent almost ten years having almost every decision made for me. What happens when you spend a lot of time in institutions, you become institutionalized. When you become institutionalized you became incapable of operating in life outside of an institution. When I was first released from prison I had no idea how to make decisions for myself. I remember going to a Burger King the first day out and looking at the menu and feeling my mind go completely blank. I had become so unused to making decisions that I couldn't even order from a fast food menu. Think about that for a second Bean. Think about the horror I felt out in a world where no one was making a decision for me, where I had to make my own decision. Not only that but I could make any decision I wanted, there wasn't anything to tell me I couldn't. It was so many decisions that I couldn't handle it.

It took me months just to learn to be around "normal" people again. It took me years to learn to make my own decisions. Even today, at 42 years of age, there are things I don't do that almost anyone else does because I was never taught to do it on my own. Shower time was always set, so I don't shower because I don't have a time of day that I know is shower time. I would set my own shower time, but I suck at enforcing my own decisions because I still have to learn how. I have gotten better at it. I do more than I used to. Yet it's still a challenge, and it's one I want to make sure you don't have.

I know that it sucks to be asked to do so much for yourself, I get that sometimes it may seem like I don't care, but nothing could be further from the truth. I am getting on you to do more on your own because I never want you to feel the way I felt that day at the Burger King. I don't want you to see an infinite amount of decisions laid out before you an not know how to make a good decision.

I know that someday you are going to be out there on your own in the world and you are going to have to make your own decisions. I knew that from the moment you were born, and yes, just like every other parent on the planet, I am scared to death of that. However, being scared doesn't change the fact that someday you will be on your own. How can I be accused of neglect when I am teaching you one of the most vital skills of your life?

I hope you understand that someday. I hope you know that while yes, I was making you do things for yourself, I did my best to keep an eye on you so I could rush to the rescue if you were about to make a really bad decision. You have always been on my mind since you were born, the only people I think of as much as you are your Mommy and your sisters.

So no, I didn't go to the store today...

The Wisdom to Know the Difference...

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

I'm getting started on this a lot later than I would like today, but it's been one of those days where I haven't really had time to write. I had to deal with driving you to go pick out your cat, then had to take mommy to work then take Jamin to therapy than when I got home I had a bit of time before having to play in a Dungeons and Dragons game. After that, I had to go get Mommy. There was a time I would have let my plans getting derailed by these kinds of things upset me easily. However, getting upset never really solved the problem.

In fact, not only did getting upset seldom solve a  problem, it generally either made the problem worse or create another problem. It took me a long time to figure this out. To be honest, there are still days I want to throw a fit when things don't work out exactly the way I want them to. I don't think anyone likes it when their plans don't work out. I know there have been times I have decided against making plans because I can get so upset when things work out differently than I want them to.

The reason I wind up in this situation time and time again is that I keep forgetting a real basic rule. I can't control what other people do. Rationally I know I can't control other people, but there are times it doesn't quite jive with my emotions. It happens the most with Mommy. Mommy and I can sometimes have a hard time making sure the other one knows what the other is doing. I may make a plan for one thing and then Mommy makes a plan for another. Because we don't talk to each other about it neither of us is aware of a conflict so when one happens it means having to change plans. I don't like changing plans. I like knowing what to expect, I hate not knowing what to expect, and when I suddenly have to change plans I don't know what to expect.

Now, I am pretty sure most people make plans and get upset when plans don't work out. However, I think I might take it a bit worse than most people For that reason I have had to really sit down and look at my behavior. I had to figure out what it was about plans not working out how I wanted that set me off so bad. While I was thinking this over the Serenity Prayer came to my mind. The Serenity Prayer is a little prayer that says "Give me the strength to change the things I can, to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference." and like a light bulb, I understood what the whole thing is about.

I was trying to control things I had no control over. I was getting upset because I couldn't control what other people do. This means that  I often made plans that assumed the actions of other people. When you assume what those pesky other people with their individual minds are going to do, you run the risk of your plans not working out. It seems really simple now, but at the time I was amazed at the revelation. Once I realized what I was doing I started working to change it. 

I make more of an effort to communicate with Mommy so she knows what I am planning and I know what she is planning. I do my best to keep the fact that I may have to adjust plans in my head. When plans don't work out, instead of letting myself get upset, I try to find something else to do. I am not perfect, but I do know I'm getting better at it, and because I am getting better at it, I am not getting as upset as often. I feel good about my progress and I feel happier. However, I know I still have some work to do.

You are going to have times in your life where you will be challenged to know what you can control. You are going to be disappointed in other people. Those things are facts, but what is also a fact is that if you learn to distinguish between what you can and can't control you will be a happier person. Just think of the last Serenity Prayer, specially that last line, the wisdom to know the distance.

Love you Bean,

Dad 

A shot of Jack Daniel's in the back of a seedy bar...

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

I was thinking about my eighteenth birthday a bit today. My eighteenth birthday wasn't very impressive, to be honest. There wasn't a big party, and my only present that year was a shot of Jack Daniels in the back room of a seedy bar in a bad part of Toledo Ohio. My mother, who said that one of her greatest wishes was to have me with her on my eighteenth birthday didn't even buy me a present, make me a cake, didn't even cook me a special dinner. I was a messed up kid who had bragged about having been kicked out of the state of Utah because of bad behavior (which actually was true in a way), I had no real prospects for life, no ambition for anything. I was a beaten dog who didn't have the ability to think past the immediate moment. The day I turned eighteen no one told me they were proud of me, no one told me that I had a bright future. The day I was eighteen I didn't have college acceptance letters to choose from. The only thing special I did that day was going to the post office and sign up for the draft.

If I had to write a letter to myself for the day I turned 18 knowing what I know now, it would have said something like this:

Congratulations kid, you are an adult, now go sign a piece of paper that says if your country gets in a war you can be told to go be a soldier whether you want to or not. You can't buy a beer, but you can go die for your country. Welcome to adulthood, it doesn't get any better than this. Aren't you glad you are an adult now?

That's what it would have said, and that's exactly how I would have felt. Like there wasn't any point in being an adult. I didn't feel like I mattered, and I didn't feel like life mattered. I hope you feel different. I hope that we have done enough for you that you know you have real options in life. I hope you can see that you do matter, that life does matter. It's not always going to be easy but never believe that you don't matter, because you do. In fact, I know that you will have a lot better birthday than I did.

We are going to take you out to a fancy dinner. You are going to be toasted, you are going to be told how amazing you are. You will be told how proud we all are of you, how special that day is, how special you are. You will have that rite of passage that is so important. You will know that you have crossed a threshold and that you have the support of your family. You will know that you are loved, wanted, cheered for. I will be so proud of you and I will be proud of myself too.

I will be proud of myself because I have given you a better chance than I was given. While you still got a long road ahead and a lot of chances to make mistakes, you at least have prospects. While I do believe you could get by fine with raw talent, you aren't in a position where you will be limited to that like I was. Instead, you will have so many opportunities because you have a solid family and have built a solid foundation going into adulthood. I was a big part of that. I was there for you more often than not. I was a presence, I was a teacher, I was a father. Out of all the things I did for you, the thing I think is most important is that I never stopped believing in you.

The set of determination in your jaw, the hard-earned wisdom in your eyes, the quiet grace you display, all of those things I have been a part of shaping. The college acceptance letters, the trips to foreign countries and to summer camps, I have been a part of making those happen. Make no mistake Bean, you did the work to get where you are, but I did the work to make sure you could get there. Life is yours to make what you will Bean. However, I am damn happy that you're turning 18 with more than a shot of Jack Daniels in the back of a seedy bar to mark the occasion.

I love you Bean. Thanks for hanging out with me for a bit again. I hope I shared something useful, or if not, that at least your smiling. I will talk to you again tomorrow.

Love,

Dad.

Take Care of Yourself...

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

I'm a very giving person. Some have said that I am too giving because I have been known to give so much I don't have anything left for myself. It's an easy trap to fall into. I was taught very early on that you are supposed to share, I also grew up poor. Growing up poor, truly poor, is something a lot of people in our country, and a lot of people you know, have never had to deal with. However, when you are truly poor, you know what it's like to not have things so many people take for granted. While it sucks in a way, in another it teaches you just how little you really need to survive, you get used to it. When you get used to something you have a hard time believing life can be any other way. I know that while I was growing up I never really believed I could be more than a poor kid. Because of this thinking, I didn't see the use in taking care of myself.

Why bother to do all the things you are supposed to do in order to be successful if you're never going to be successful in the first place?

If you don't believe there is better, then you don't think of things like saving money, putting a snack away for later, or any real form of conservation. If you grow up having access to good things consistently then you get used to having them. Losing those good things can hurt, so you work to avoid losing those good things. When you are poor you don't get good things consistently you get in an immediate gratification mindset. It's kind of ironic actually, the one thing that you shouldn't do when you are poor is the one thing being poor teaches you to do. It's why so many people stay in the cycle of poverty.

If you want to avoid poverty, if you want to avoid that horrible cycle you have to learn to believe in conservation. Not only do you need to believe in conservation but you also need to learn to make it a priority and take care of yourself first. When you have more than other people, you will get asked to share. Sharing is a good thing, but if you share more than you can afford to share you wind up not being able to take care of yourself. If you can't take care of yourself you have to ask other people to take care of you. It creates a cycle and the only way to get out of it is to learn to save for yourself first.

Right now if a friend called me and asked for 100 dollars, I could do that. While we are not the wealthiest family in the world, we are in a position where we almost always have not just enough but a little to spare. However, if the friend asked for 500 dollars I would have a much harder time doing it. Giving someone that kind of money would not only mean giving up some of the spare but also potentially giving up some of what we need. It sucks to be in this position because you always want to help people you care about but there will be times you can't afford to.

You have to learn to say no to people when they ask for help Bean. Not all the time, not even most of the time, but you need to be able to do it when someone wants more than you really have to give. It took me a long time to learn that lesson and I still have problems with it. Growing up poor I know just how bad things can be and I know I can live like that if I have too, but as I have gotten along in life, starting to have things I want to keep, starting to see the benefits of long term planning, I like the idea of living that way less and less.

I know this post has been a bit of a ramble, I was trying out something with my writing. Not sure if I like it or not, but hopefully it all makes  sense to you.

Love you Bean,

Dad

Life isn't like TV

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

There are days where I really wish that life worked out the way it does on TV. I wish that I could solve the major problems in my life in an hour. I wish I could feel rich and powerful or like an indestructible badass or a number of other things that I won't ever be. However, just because I can't be everything I want to be, doesn't mean I can't aspire to be more than I am.

I also think that there is this trap we can fall into that somehow what we see in a show would be better than the life we have. However, is it really?

When I think about my life, I see a lot of great things that have happened. I have had plenty of moments like you see on TV. Maybe the people weren't quite as good looking and there never was the really epic music score in the background, but the lack of those things made it all more real. There are also things in life that you will never get from a TV show. I have seen lots of shows where a kid is born and the parents are so happy, but until I actually watched you be born I had no idea just how proud and happy I could be. That moment is without a doubt one of the most beautiful moments in my life, and I promise Bean, it wasn't anything like it is on TV.

That's the thing with TV, video games, books, and all the rest of the stuff that is out there selling you a dream, they aren't selling you anything real. However, they don't need to and they shouldn't because we all need dreams, we all need to believe that the world can be better, that we can be better, and that we can make a difference. That's what things like TV do for us, they give us something to dream about, they help us share experiences, they help weave part of our life story. However, don't ever confuse life for TV, because Life isn't like TV, it's so much better.

Sometimes it's Okay to Follow the Heard

Hey Bean, It's your Dad,

Been trying to think of what words of wisdom I wanted to pass on today. I feel like the last couple of posts have been a bit uninspired and I wanted to think of something that you haven't really heard me talk about before. That's why I am talking about how it's okay to follow the herd once in a while. I know that I have preached about going your own way, being your own person, and those are good things. However, there are times when following the herd is not only an acceptable option but a preferable one.

I don't know if you remember this, but one of the times I was driving you home from Governer's institute, there was a massive snowstorm hitting just as we left for home. As we moved along the road we started slowing down and eventually were with all the other cars on the road. The reason this was a good thing was that we were all acting in a way to ensure that everyone else would be safe as well. If you remember there was that one idiot who decided to suddenly pull out of a lane and that forced a person off the road. If that driver hadn't suddenly pulled into the lane the other driver would have not been forced off the road. This is a case where someone insisting that their individuality was more important than following the herd created a situation that was bad for more than just themselves.

Right now in the world, there is a lot of that kind of thing going on. You can log onto most any social media site and find it, people who think that their want for individual treatment allows for the mistreatment of other people. This is something that we need less of in this world, not more of. The truth is that no one should ever value their freedom above being a respectful person, but there will always be those kinds of people. They will use all kinds of excuses for their behavior. It's a lot of what racism and other such horrid ideals are about, excusing poor behavior.

Don't let yourself become someone like that Bean. Don't ever buy into the lie that you have a right to mistreat people when they are in the way of your freedom. There will be times someone is legitimately trying to take freedom away from you, and you should fight that oppression. However, being asked to show other people respect, being a productive member of society, and other things people will tell you is about "following the herd" is not taking away your freedom, it is a benefit to you and everyone else.

The herd kind of gets a bad wrap at times. Most people associate the herd with stupidity or mindlessness. It's true that herds can be a bit mindless but there is a reason we have a herd instinct. Humans need each other. A single human by themselves can do amazing things, but to do the truly epic things that we do, it needs more than one person. You are learning how to build houses and I am sure you realize that having several people work on a house gets it built a lot faster than having a single person working on a house.

It's not just about building stuff either, almost every major discovery in the history of mankind was the result of people building off of what other people had already done. Einstein wouldn't have been Einstien if there hadn't had already been a long line of physicists paving the way for him. This isn't to take away from individual genius. Sure, lots of people did things with physics before Einstien, but what Einstien did change the science in many different ways. People need other people period. We as a species are best when we work with each other.

Can you take following the herd too far? Yes, in fact, if you look at the current political landscape in our country right now you can see where the herd mentality is taking over. it doesn't matter if you are on the right or left of politics, both sides have allowed groupthink and herd mentality to take over and it's making them scary. They don't allow descent of opinion and they are taking steps to "purify" the ranks. Eventually, we could see it erupt into an actual war right in front of our eyes between two groups of people who are screaming that they are doing it for "freedom" when the exact opposite is true.

The herd never wants freedom. Its very existence depends on some degree of homogeny. If you get a  herd that doesn't have enough sameness it will eventually split into different herds. It's animal nature, it's necessary for the continuation of certain genes, it's part of the ever-changing definition of humanity. So while it's okay to follow the herd, never forget that the herd is not about individuality. It can't be, if you have too much individuality in a herd it isn't a herd.

The real trick is going to be figuring out when to follow the herd and when you shouldn't follow the herd. I kind of go with the following rule of thumb. If the herd is providing more benefit than it's causing harm to me, then it's generally okay to follow the herd unless the actions of the herd are causing more harm than I deem acceptable. In other words, I go with what other people want as long as I get something out of it as long as I don't see it hurting anyone. You will find your balance I am sure.

Well Bean, think I am going to call this post done. I hope you enjoyed reading it and I hope it gave you something to think about. Keep in mind these are just the ramblings of a middle aged man who wants to impress his daughter with awe inspiring wisdom and I would appreciate if you pretended I did exactly that.

I love you Bean,

Dad

Choosing your Battles

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

I think one of the hardest lessons I learned in life was the concept of choosing the right battles to fight. Conflict is a part of life. Whether it's verbal conflict, social competition, or even physical conflict, you can't escape that conflict will happen. I'm pretty sure you already know this, but you are never going to win every single conflict. The good news is you will win some and if you do it right you will win more than you lose. This is why learning to choose your battles is such an important thing.

While it's an easy thing to say "choose your battles." it's a bit harder to figure out which battles you should choose and why you should choose them. While I don't have all the answers for these questions, I do have some, and I figured I would pass some of those off to you. I want you to succeed and that means equipping you with tools to do so. Don't take what I say as the final authority on this or anything else I talk about. Make sure you think about the things I say here, but don't become slavishly devoted to them. In fact, making sure you remain flexible is a key in choosing your own battles.

In order to even be able to choose a battle, you have to be able to adjust to the situation. If you are not flexible, then you have a lot more of a chance having your battles chosen for you. You want to avoid having other people choose your battles because more often then not, they are wanting you to fight a battle for them, not for yourself. This is a good reason to remain flexible because if you are flexible it means you can choose not to get in a battle you don't want. In fact, if you want to see a really good example of the advantage of choosing your battles, look into how Robert E. Lee commanded the rebel forces during the U.S. Civil War. During that whole war, he never allowed the enemy to choose the battle, except for one and that turned out to be the most crucial battle of the war.

While Lee is a great example of choosing your battles, and the folly of allowing your battles to be chosen for you, another thing to think about is deciding if a battle is worth winning. There is a term called a pyrrhic victory. This term is used to describe a situation in which you may have won a battle but you still lost the war. Sometimes it can be easy to be drawn into a battle, and most people, once engaged in conflict, will do everything they can to win. However, it is possible to expend yourself so much in one battle that you can't win any of the others. It can be hard to know when you should keep fighting and when you should let the other person win. It's hard to let someone else win a battle, but there will be times when it is the best decision you can make.

For me as a person, I have found that letting Mommy win the battles she really cares about is a much better result than fighting her tooth and nail over everything we disagree on. However, at the same time, she has learned to do the same with me. This doesn't mean we never fight, but it does mean we fight less and that means we have more time to love each other, and that is a good thing. If either I or Mommy insisted on winning every single battle against the other, chances are the relationship would not be as healthy as it is.

Not only do you need to choose which battles to fight, but you also need to learn when a battle can be avoided and a connection made instead. Anyone who is worth anything as a leader knows that diplomacy should always be the first option. Whether you are trying to win an argument or win a war, the best path is the one that causes the least amount of damage. Sometimes this means working with people we don't like or compromising on things we would rather not compromise on, but if it builds an alliance instead of causing a battle, it's generally a good thing.

This doesn't mean sell yourself out just to make alliances. It also doesn't mean you need to take an unfavorable compromise in order to avoid battle. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to be reasonable other people will demand more thna you are willing to give. When this happens, it's time to go to war. While it's generally better to avoid conflict, there are times when conflict becomes necessary. If you were smart about making sure the conflict happened in a way and at a time of your choosing then you have a better chance of winning.

I know this is a bit of how to post and probably doesn't go into enough detail, but that's the way of life at times. Sometimes you have to make decisions based off fuzy information. I hope this gets you thinking though, I hope all my posts get you thinking. It's why I am writing them after all.

Coummunication

Hey Bean, it's  your Dad,

I love when something happens during the day that gives me an idea for a post. I am a big time believer that the best lessons are learned from everyday life. I believe that if you stop and examine what went wrong with a day,  you can learn to do things differently in the future. This morning Mommy and I had a bit of a miscommunication over who was going to grab the car. This is a great example of how important communication is.

Last night Mommy and I had spoken about how she wanted me to get the car if I was awake before her. That is how I understood it and how I saw it. This morning I woke up a little after Mommy so my thought was that she was going to go get the car. However, her thinking on the matter was completely different. In her mind, the agreement was that I would go get the car if I was awake before all of you had to leave for school. Because we both had different ideas on who was getting the car, neither of us was ready to get the car when it was time to get it.

Mommy asked me if I was going to get the car. I responded she was supposed to get the car. We started arguing and both of us got upset with the other. I went and got the car, the battle wasn't important enough for me to win and Mommy can be stubborn, but I was still kind of mad that I felt like Mommy was changing the agreement without talking to me. Mommy felt like I wasn't honoring an agreement I had made. This whole situation could have been handled without the need for Mommy and me to get mad at each other if we had communicated better the night before. Even without communicating better the night before we both could have benefited from slowing down and communicating instead of yelling.

Parents are not perfect and this morning your mommy and I both showed that. However, that doesn't mean I should just shrug my shoulders and not look at the incident. I can't control what mommy does, but I can control what I do and how I react. Instead of yelling at mommy when it was obvious we were confused, I could have simply gone and gotten the car. It's what mommy wanted, it's not that far of a walk, I deal with the cold better than mommy, and I can use the reason to walk a bit. There really isn't a negative to going and getting the car other than I was feeling a bit lazy. However, instead of doing that, I argued with her and then went and got the car. Since I wound up getting the car in the end, did arguing gain me anything but stress?

I don' think it did. In fact, one of the primary reasons for communication is to reduce the potential for stress and conflict. When a miscommunication occurs the chance for stress and conflict rises pretty quickly. It doesn't matter if it's a boss to underling or me to you when communication breaks down stress increases and stress can lead to conflict.

Communication is such an important skill to develop Bean, it really is. The better you are at communicating the more successful you will be. Learning to communicate can be hard because people communicate on so many different levels. Not only do people communicate on different levels, but we all communicate in different ways. Sometimes it's a wonder we can communicate at all, but we can and it's a vital part of our survival as people.

Learn to communicate Bean. Learn to understand how other people communicate. Make the effort to make communication your first action in preventing conflict. Remember, this morning and how it all could have been resolved if two people had listened to each other and made sure they understood each other. While I doubt it's possible to communicate successfully with every person on the planet, I do believe that most people are open to communication if you know how to communicate with them.

Think I have said all I really need to about the importance of communication. I love you Bean, I will talk with you tomorrow.

Dad.

Getting People to Listen

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

As you can tell by the title of the post, I am still talking about communication. If there is one skill that I think everyone can improve, and will help you the most in life, it is the ability to communicate. I spoke a lot about communication yesterday, but communication is a very big subject with a lot of nuances and theories. If there is one part of communication I think we all could get better at it's learning how to get people to listen.

Telling people what you think is easy. Getting them to understand why you think or feel the way you do can be much more difficult. I know there are a bunch of books on the subject, and I have read some of them, but most of what I learned about getting people to listen has come from trial and error. Am I the best at getting people to listen to me? No, but I'm pretty good at it when I want to be.

Wanting to get people to listen is the first step in getting them to listen. In order to want to get people to listen you have to believe in what you have to say. So really, believing in what you have to say is probably the first step. If you believe in what you have to say, then you likely will want to tell people what you have to say and want them to listen. Once you want to say something, the next part gets a bit tricky. Not everybody is always willing to listen, and even those who are willing to listen may not hear what you say.

Yet, there are times when you need to get people to listen to you. If you don't know how then they won't hear what you have to say. To really understand how to get people to listen, you have to understand people. While everyone is a unique person, most of us are similar enough that broad strategies in communication can be effective. While there are better people to really teach you how to get other people to listen, I'm going to share what I know.

The one thing I believe is absolutely necessary for getting people to listen is making sure they are in a frame of mind to listen to what you have to say. This is much easier said than done because there are times people are incredibly resistant to listening, but I have managed to generally get people to listen when I need them too because I work to create a space where they can be open to listening.

When I really want someone to listen, I try to get them to talk first. I put aside my thoughts and I do my best to be open to what they have to say. The reason I do this is that it begins to build rapport. If someone feels like they can say things to you without you taking offense, they are much more likely to do the same for you. This can be very hard to do at times, particularly when you are communicating with someone who has ideas that you find distasteful. It's hard to listen to a racist and not tell them they are bad. However, if you want to change the mind of people, you have to accept them for where they are at, not for where they aren't.

While you listen to what they have to say, do your best to understand why they feel this way. If you can understand why they feel the way they do then you have a much better chance at getting them to listen to you because you can address the feeling behind the idea. Taking the example of a racist again, if you can see why the racist feels the way they do, then you can address those issues and maybe get them to be a bit more open to the idea of letting some of their racist feelings go. While it might be more immediately rewarding to tell them they are a racist scumbag, it's actually detrimental to communication and thus is very unlikely to create any real change.

Think about it Bean, if someone starts criticizing you for your belief's are you going to be likely to hear them out? I know I am not the type of person that has an easy time listening when you're assaulting belief's I hold and I'm actually pretty good at listening. So if you want people to listen to you it doesn't make sense to attack them. Instead, you will be much better off understanding their feelings and working from there. This is how you create a space that invites listening.

Once you have a person in a space in which they are willing to listen, it's important to keep their feelings in mind. It can be tricky keeping someone listening, especially if you are trying to change their mind so you have to be careful to maintain an environment where they won't feel antagonized. While you don't have to agree with the racist, do your best to find mutual ground. Most racists I know are racist because they fear difference, so if I keep that in mind when I am talking with them, I am less likely to cross a line that will shut down their willingness to communicate. Since I know the fear of difference is a driving force behind their feelings I can talk about things that are familiar to them and then relate that to the idea that maybe people of color aren't that bad. None of this happens if I just start screaming at them for being racist assholes.

Most people want to be heard and if they feel heard they are much more likely to listen to you. Maybe other people have a different view, but that's mine. If you want people to listen, teh best thing to do is learn to listen to them first.

Well Bean, think I have beat this subject to death enoug for now. Talk to you tomorrow.

Love,

Dad.

I kind of got distracted...

Hey Bean, It's your Dad,

When I first started this project I told myself that I would make sure to spend some time everyday writing to you. At first, I did well then as happens with me and life I got distracted. Life got busy, then I got sick, then Mommy got hurt etc. It's not that these are excuses, it's that these are reasons. Sometimes despite my best intentions, I allow myself to get distracted from things. I feel a bit disappointed in myself, but at the same time, part of this is to give you an honest look at your father. 

I know you don't think I am perfect. That thinking passed a long time ago, but that doesn't mean I don't expect more of myself.  I didn't always expect myself to do things. In fact, I spent most of my life hiding from my potential. It was easier to accept failure than it was to strive for excellence. I knew I was capable of doing well, but I was afraid of failing after having succeeded. I hope you never feel fear of success, it sucks.

I want every word in this blog to be deep, meaningful, insightful, but sometimes things are just regular every day boring. That's another struggle I have always had. I haven't ever been very good at accepting that it's okay for life to be boring. When I looked at all the people who simply plodded through life I felt sorry for them. There was so much more they could and should be doing. I was always looking for the next great adventure but more often than not I found banality instead. 

I remember one day when I was living in Ohio just after I had turned eighteen. I had just gotten out of school and I had this feeling of complete emptiness. I stood on the corner of an intersection just waiting for something special to happen. I wanted a sign from the universe that I mattered, that I made a difference. Of course, nothing special happened and I felt like it was because I wasn't worth anything. The thing is, I didn't understand a real simple truth at that moment in time. I was expecting the world to bend to me to take time and say I was special. What I should have been doing is finding a way to give myself that feeling.

The world didn't care about that eighteen-year-old kid who was in a deep depression. The universe wasn't aware that a lonely young man was standing on a street corner hoping for a sign. The only person who cared I was there was me. I can't remember how long I stood there, but the fact I remember doing it is interesting. What was it about that moment that made such an impression on me that I remember over thirty years after it happened?

I can't tell you, but it does make me wonder what kind of memories you will have of the first eighteen years of your life. I hope they are mostly good and I hope that you look back on your time as a child with at least some degree of fondness. I know you have faced your share of challenges, but I also hope that you see the support you had through those. I hope you know that you are loved, valued, wanted, admired, and everything else I didn't feel that day on that street corner. I hope you never have a day where you want more than anything to simply know that you matter to someone, I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.

I'm not perfect father Bean, I know this, but I hope you see past my failings and see the earnest love I feel for you. I hope you understand that being hard on you, expecting you to do things for yourself, all of that was so when you hit the moment you are hitting now you will be able to take care of yourself. I love you so much Bean, I hope you know that.

Dad.

The Last time I Open the Door...

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

It's another day and here I am writing yet another post. You would think that after 18 years I would have a lot of things to say to you, but I'm finding that not to be true. It's not that I don't have things to say so much as in a lot of ways I feel like I already said them. When I watch you go through the day I I see a capable and independent woman. I know I had a hand in the person I see and I realize that you have watched me and listened and learned. You watched me succeed and make mistakes and you have learned from that. While I have not been one of those Dad's who gives you a weekly dose of advice, I have been one that in general tries to give you pointers once in a while. Overall I feel like I have been a pretty good Dad.

While I have been a good Dad, and I am confident in your ability to go out in the world and succeed, that doesn't mean I don't still have things to tell you. It just means reaching a bit deeper to get to the stuff I want to say but don't know if I should say. It bothers me a bit at times that I have to be careful about what I say to you. I feel this way because I just don't get why we put walls between ourselves when we are family. It's not just you and I, it's everybody in every family. There are a lot of rules on how parents are supposed to behave and how children are supposed to behave. Even as you all grow older those rules are still there. In fact, seems the older we get the more boundaries we have.

I know that there are just things about each other that neither of us can really relate to. I'm male, you are female. There are things that you really don't need to know about being a man, and there are things I can't really understand about being a woman. I also get that there are things that you just don't want to talk to anyone about. I have a lot of those things, to be honest. I have a lot of thoughts, feelings, and experiences that I don't feel comfortable with sharing. You probably have some of those same things and that's okay.

It's okay to keep secrets from me Bean. I don't have to know everything you do or everything you feel. In fact, the moment you turn 18 I have absolutely no legal control over your decisions in any way. I kind of wonder how long it's going to take for that realization to come to either of us. How long am I going to feel like I can still punish you for not doing your chores? How long before you realize you don't have to keep me apprised of what you are up to?

I'm glad I am not one of those helicopter parents because it will make this transition easier on me. I don't know if I could give you the control over your life I already have if I had been a parent who insisted on doing everything for their child.  I know why helicopter parents act the way they do, they are terrified of their children getting hurt. I understand this, but I can't quite understand how that in any way prepares the child to leave home. If you were completely dependent on me for every decision, how would you be able to go off to college? Find work? Make your own dinner?

I have watched over you. In fact, every night before I go to bed, I look in on you. I take a moment to just enjoy the fact you are in my life. I know someday that I won't be able to do it. I know someday your bedroom won't have you in it. It will stay your room for a while so it's there if you need it. You will probably show up on the occasional weekend, be there on holidays, but over time, you will move into your own place and there will be a time that is the last time I open the door and watch you sleep. I hate that day.

There is no crueler thing in the world than the knowledge that someday, I won't ever look in on my baby girl as she sleeps. There is no way to describe the way that hurts. However, it's not all pain. There is so much pride as well. There is a pride in knowing I have had a hand in raising a strong independent and capable woman. So until that last time I open your door to watch you sleep, I am going to treasure that experience as much as possible.

I love you Bean,

Dad