When I first started this project I told myself that I would make sure to spend some time everyday writing to you. At first, I did well then as happens with me and life I got distracted. Life got busy, then I got sick, then Mommy got hurt etc. It's not that these are excuses, it's that these are reasons. Sometimes despite my best intentions, I allow myself to get distracted from things. I feel a bit disappointed in myself, but at the same time, part of this is to give you an honest look at your father.
I know you don't think I am perfect. That thinking passed a long time ago, but that doesn't mean I don't expect more of myself. I didn't always expect myself to do things. In fact, I spent most of my life hiding from my potential. It was easier to accept failure than it was to strive for excellence. I knew I was capable of doing well, but I was afraid of failing after having succeeded. I hope you never feel fear of success, it sucks.
I want every word in this blog to be deep, meaningful, insightful, but sometimes things are just regular every day boring. That's another struggle I have always had. I haven't ever been very good at accepting that it's okay for life to be boring. When I looked at all the people who simply plodded through life I felt sorry for them. There was so much more they could and should be doing. I was always looking for the next great adventure but more often than not I found banality instead.
I remember one day when I was living in Ohio just after I had turned eighteen. I had just gotten out of school and I had this feeling of complete emptiness. I stood on the corner of an intersection just waiting for something special to happen. I wanted a sign from the universe that I mattered, that I made a difference. Of course, nothing special happened and I felt like it was because I wasn't worth anything. The thing is, I didn't understand a real simple truth at that moment in time. I was expecting the world to bend to me to take time and say I was special. What I should have been doing is finding a way to give myself that feeling.
The world didn't care about that eighteen-year-old kid who was in a deep depression. The universe wasn't aware that a lonely young man was standing on a street corner hoping for a sign. The only person who cared I was there was me. I can't remember how long I stood there, but the fact I remember doing it is interesting. What was it about that moment that made such an impression on me that I remember over thirty years after it happened?
I can't tell you, but it does make me wonder what kind of memories you will have of the first eighteen years of your life. I hope they are mostly good and I hope that you look back on your time as a child with at least some degree of fondness. I know you have faced your share of challenges, but I also hope that you see the support you had through those. I hope you know that you are loved, valued, wanted, admired, and everything else I didn't feel that day on that street corner. I hope you never have a day where you want more than anything to simply know that you matter to someone, I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.
I'm not perfect father Bean, I know this, but I hope you see past my failings and see the earnest love I feel for you. I hope you understand that being hard on you, expecting you to do things for yourself, all of that was so when you hit the moment you are hitting now you will be able to take care of yourself. I love you so much Bean, I hope you know that.
Dad.
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