I'm getting started on this a lot later than I would like today, but it's been one of those days where I haven't really had time to write. I had to deal with driving you to go pick out your cat, then had to take mommy to work then take Jamin to therapy than when I got home I had a bit of time before having to play in a Dungeons and Dragons game. After that, I had to go get Mommy. There was a time I would have let my plans getting derailed by these kinds of things upset me easily. However, getting upset never really solved the problem.
In fact, not only did getting upset seldom solve a problem, it generally either made the problem worse or create another problem. It took me a long time to figure this out. To be honest, there are still days I want to throw a fit when things don't work out exactly the way I want them to. I don't think anyone likes it when their plans don't work out. I know there have been times I have decided against making plans because I can get so upset when things work out differently than I want them to.
The reason I wind up in this situation time and time again is that I keep forgetting a real basic rule. I can't control what other people do. Rationally I know I can't control other people, but there are times it doesn't quite jive with my emotions. It happens the most with Mommy. Mommy and I can sometimes have a hard time making sure the other one knows what the other is doing. I may make a plan for one thing and then Mommy makes a plan for another. Because we don't talk to each other about it neither of us is aware of a conflict so when one happens it means having to change plans. I don't like changing plans. I like knowing what to expect, I hate not knowing what to expect, and when I suddenly have to change plans I don't know what to expect.
Now, I am pretty sure most people make plans and get upset when plans don't work out. However, I think I might take it a bit worse than most people For that reason I have had to really sit down and look at my behavior. I had to figure out what it was about plans not working out how I wanted that set me off so bad. While I was thinking this over the Serenity Prayer came to my mind. The Serenity Prayer is a little prayer that says "Give me the strength to change the things I can, to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference." and like a light bulb, I understood what the whole thing is about.
I was trying to control things I had no control over. I was getting upset because I couldn't control what other people do. This means that I often made plans that assumed the actions of other people. When you assume what those pesky other people with their individual minds are going to do, you run the risk of your plans not working out. It seems really simple now, but at the time I was amazed at the revelation. Once I realized what I was doing I started working to change it.
I make more of an effort to communicate with Mommy so she knows what I am planning and I know what she is planning. I do my best to keep the fact that I may have to adjust plans in my head. When plans don't work out, instead of letting myself get upset, I try to find something else to do. I am not perfect, but I do know I'm getting better at it, and because I am getting better at it, I am not getting as upset as often. I feel good about my progress and I feel happier. However, I know I still have some work to do.
You are going to have times in your life where you will be challenged to know what you can control. You are going to be disappointed in other people. Those things are facts, but what is also a fact is that if you learn to distinguish between what you can and can't control you will be a happier person. Just think of the last Serenity Prayer, specially that last line, the wisdom to know the distance.
Love you Bean,
Dad
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