Getting People to Listen

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

As you can tell by the title of the post, I am still talking about communication. If there is one skill that I think everyone can improve, and will help you the most in life, it is the ability to communicate. I spoke a lot about communication yesterday, but communication is a very big subject with a lot of nuances and theories. If there is one part of communication I think we all could get better at it's learning how to get people to listen.

Telling people what you think is easy. Getting them to understand why you think or feel the way you do can be much more difficult. I know there are a bunch of books on the subject, and I have read some of them, but most of what I learned about getting people to listen has come from trial and error. Am I the best at getting people to listen to me? No, but I'm pretty good at it when I want to be.

Wanting to get people to listen is the first step in getting them to listen. In order to want to get people to listen you have to believe in what you have to say. So really, believing in what you have to say is probably the first step. If you believe in what you have to say, then you likely will want to tell people what you have to say and want them to listen. Once you want to say something, the next part gets a bit tricky. Not everybody is always willing to listen, and even those who are willing to listen may not hear what you say.

Yet, there are times when you need to get people to listen to you. If you don't know how then they won't hear what you have to say. To really understand how to get people to listen, you have to understand people. While everyone is a unique person, most of us are similar enough that broad strategies in communication can be effective. While there are better people to really teach you how to get other people to listen, I'm going to share what I know.

The one thing I believe is absolutely necessary for getting people to listen is making sure they are in a frame of mind to listen to what you have to say. This is much easier said than done because there are times people are incredibly resistant to listening, but I have managed to generally get people to listen when I need them too because I work to create a space where they can be open to listening.

When I really want someone to listen, I try to get them to talk first. I put aside my thoughts and I do my best to be open to what they have to say. The reason I do this is that it begins to build rapport. If someone feels like they can say things to you without you taking offense, they are much more likely to do the same for you. This can be very hard to do at times, particularly when you are communicating with someone who has ideas that you find distasteful. It's hard to listen to a racist and not tell them they are bad. However, if you want to change the mind of people, you have to accept them for where they are at, not for where they aren't.

While you listen to what they have to say, do your best to understand why they feel this way. If you can understand why they feel the way they do then you have a much better chance at getting them to listen to you because you can address the feeling behind the idea. Taking the example of a racist again, if you can see why the racist feels the way they do, then you can address those issues and maybe get them to be a bit more open to the idea of letting some of their racist feelings go. While it might be more immediately rewarding to tell them they are a racist scumbag, it's actually detrimental to communication and thus is very unlikely to create any real change.

Think about it Bean, if someone starts criticizing you for your belief's are you going to be likely to hear them out? I know I am not the type of person that has an easy time listening when you're assaulting belief's I hold and I'm actually pretty good at listening. So if you want people to listen to you it doesn't make sense to attack them. Instead, you will be much better off understanding their feelings and working from there. This is how you create a space that invites listening.

Once you have a person in a space in which they are willing to listen, it's important to keep their feelings in mind. It can be tricky keeping someone listening, especially if you are trying to change their mind so you have to be careful to maintain an environment where they won't feel antagonized. While you don't have to agree with the racist, do your best to find mutual ground. Most racists I know are racist because they fear difference, so if I keep that in mind when I am talking with them, I am less likely to cross a line that will shut down their willingness to communicate. Since I know the fear of difference is a driving force behind their feelings I can talk about things that are familiar to them and then relate that to the idea that maybe people of color aren't that bad. None of this happens if I just start screaming at them for being racist assholes.

Most people want to be heard and if they feel heard they are much more likely to listen to you. Maybe other people have a different view, but that's mine. If you want people to listen, teh best thing to do is learn to listen to them first.

Well Bean, think I have beat this subject to death enoug for now. Talk to you tomorrow.

Love,

Dad.