No, I Didn't go to the Store Today

Hey Bean, it's your Dad,

Today I was going to go to the grocery store. Mommy and I tried to go yesterday but she forgot her card and so we didn't go. The reason I didn't go today is that I had a plan to leave the house at noon, head to the grocery store, then come home and be home in time for Mommy to take the car to work. Instead of that happening, I was asked to grab lunch for everyone, take Jasmine to school and then pick Mommy up from the school so she could go to her other job. This left me short of time, I could have probably made it, but to be honest, I didn't feel a strong enough need. Sure we could use a few things like eggs, milk, cheese, and the like, but we are not even close to being out of food. If you need something to eat it's there, but if you truly want to go get something else, you can.

From the outside, I think a lot of people would think this is neglect, but it isn't. You are cared for. You have food available, you have the skills to make it, you have access to resources to get different food if you want it. All those things are within your ability to do, and part of what I hope you learn before you leave the house is that you not only can do it, but you will have to do it when you are on your own.

When you are on your own you won't be able to ask me to go to the store for you. When you are on your own you won't be able to rely on me to cook your meals. When you are on your own you will have to be able to take care of yourself. That is what the crux of my parenting has been about. Making sure you are capable of caring for yourself when you decide to leave home and find your own path in life. Unlike a lot of parents, I am not trying to hide from this fact. I know that the world is a dangerous place. I know you will have to spend time learning how to make it on your own. However, I don't help you by doing everything for you. If I did everything for you while you were living with us, you wouldn't have a chance to develop so many life skills that are necessary for adult life. I know that I wasn't taught a lot of things, and because of that, I had a lot I had to learn.

I had a lot to learn because, from the time I was 15 years old until I was 23 years old, I was in and out of institutions. Whether it was a boy's home, a youth detention center, a mental health facility or prison, I spent almost ten years having almost every decision made for me. What happens when you spend a lot of time in institutions, you become institutionalized. When you become institutionalized you became incapable of operating in life outside of an institution. When I was first released from prison I had no idea how to make decisions for myself. I remember going to a Burger King the first day out and looking at the menu and feeling my mind go completely blank. I had become so unused to making decisions that I couldn't even order from a fast food menu. Think about that for a second Bean. Think about the horror I felt out in a world where no one was making a decision for me, where I had to make my own decision. Not only that but I could make any decision I wanted, there wasn't anything to tell me I couldn't. It was so many decisions that I couldn't handle it.

It took me months just to learn to be around "normal" people again. It took me years to learn to make my own decisions. Even today, at 42 years of age, there are things I don't do that almost anyone else does because I was never taught to do it on my own. Shower time was always set, so I don't shower because I don't have a time of day that I know is shower time. I would set my own shower time, but I suck at enforcing my own decisions because I still have to learn how. I have gotten better at it. I do more than I used to. Yet it's still a challenge, and it's one I want to make sure you don't have.

I know that it sucks to be asked to do so much for yourself, I get that sometimes it may seem like I don't care, but nothing could be further from the truth. I am getting on you to do more on your own because I never want you to feel the way I felt that day at the Burger King. I don't want you to see an infinite amount of decisions laid out before you an not know how to make a good decision.

I know that someday you are going to be out there on your own in the world and you are going to have to make your own decisions. I knew that from the moment you were born, and yes, just like every other parent on the planet, I am scared to death of that. However, being scared doesn't change the fact that someday you will be on your own. How can I be accused of neglect when I am teaching you one of the most vital skills of your life?

I hope you understand that someday. I hope you know that while yes, I was making you do things for yourself, I did my best to keep an eye on you so I could rush to the rescue if you were about to make a really bad decision. You have always been on my mind since you were born, the only people I think of as much as you are your Mommy and your sisters.

So no, I didn't go to the store today...